It’s been about a year. Since I came out. I feel like it’s been about 10 years. The first couple times I told people I couldn’t say the word. It was like, “I feel like maybe I’m…you know.” They knew. But I wasn’t strong enough to say the words.
A year later I can say the words. I haven’t said them to everyone. I know they won’t care. I know. But there’s no turning back from that. There’s no turning back from “I’m different.” I have never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable. I’ve always just wanted to go unnoticed. And now I’m afraid of being so noticed that I make everyone uncomfortable. No. Listen. No, I swear I’m not thinking of you that way. Don’t be creeped out. I’m normal.
I’m of the age where everyone, and I mean everyone, is now in either a long term committed relationship or married. And the babies. Goddamn the babies. Procreation everywhere. And I’m 13, afraid of everything, afraid of my body, afraid of everyone else, confused about what I should do. I should have known sooner. I did know sooner. I should have let myself know sooner.
I’m drunk now. I went to several holiday parties and watched as my attractive friends had a good time. And it just made me sad. Sad that they were attractive and young and had bright futures that could easily be betted on now. He’ll propose in 9 months. She’ll be knocked up in 2 years. But where will I be? Shouldn’t it be exciting that I don’t know? No. I’m 30, I should know. Where is my happy ending? Where is my super cute boyfriend that will make everything normal?
I’m never going to have that. I’m never going to have that. Nothing will be normal for me. Which is poetic I guess. I’ve never liked normal. I’ve never liked status quo. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum. But sometimes I see everyone else’s drum and I’m jealous. Why can’t my drum be like everyone else’s? Why do I have to be alone?
I don’t know. I hold onto the hope that someday I’ll meet someone and be all, “Oh, yeah. This is why I had to wait.” But they’re (she’s) taking her damn time.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I can't decide if the ad creator should be given a raise or fired.
Dear Megan Mullally -
What did you blow your Will & Grace money on that made it necessary for you to make this commercial? Whores? Crack? Did you lose it in a Ponzi scheme?
Love,
Rachel
What did you blow your Will & Grace money on that made it necessary for you to make this commercial? Whores? Crack? Did you lose it in a Ponzi scheme?
Love,
Rachel
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Tune-Yards is (are?) AWESOME or When did LA get culture?
The Natural History Museum has these events called First Fridays. They do them the first Friday of every month. They have special lectures and concerts and such, usually by people you've never heard of. Sounds pretty boring.
But, I was excited about it, because just about a week after my obsession with Tune-Yards started, they played at the NHM's first First Friday of the year.
Because I'm anal-retentive and like to have a plan in place, I bought a ticket ahead of time (which is just regular admission to the museum), but wasn't expecting much of a problem. This was a museum on a Friday night in Los Angeles after all. I was expecting me and about 15 other people. I didn't think anyone would show up for the lecture on spiders.
Boy howdy was I wrong.
I show up to see this massive line in front of the museum. And by massive, I mean probably about 200 people. But I'm bad at estimating, so who knows. I walk up and stand in the line for a bit, but every time I stand in line, this little voice in my head reminds me of my friend Jamie who is infuriated by people who just stand in lines without knowing what they're for. They stand there because it's what the majority is doing, but they aren't sure if it's the right line for them. So after a few minutes I asked the people behind me to save my spot and went up to the doors. Good thing, because guess what, me and my advance ticket - we got to go right on through!
This is a load off my back because the concert is supposed to start in about 10 minutes. But then I see it - the line to get into the concert room. It's longer than the line to get into the museum. It's longer than the line I stood in to get into the airport 2 days before Christmas. No, it's longer than that line AND the security line that I went through. This line crosses the museum and heads down a flight of stairs before I stop and rethink.
There's no way I'm getting in. So, I head back up to the front of the line and just linger, wishing I was a little more confident or at least drunk so I would be able to slip into line. It was just me after all. Instead I hung around until some security guy said we had to step back, but not to worry because the show would be projected onto the wall.
And so that's how it came to be that I stood next to a T-Rex and a roomful of hipsters to watch a concert projected on a marble museum wall. And I'll tell you what, I don't even care. The concert was that awesome. Merrill Garbus was there with the bass player guy that's always around, but she also brought three chicks to play drums. She played a lot of new stuff, which was awesome, but also a little sad because I knew it wasn't released yet and I'd just have to wait around forever. But, it was totally amazing, and I'm glad I went. Now I just have to wait a little more to see a proper show.
There were a ton of people there to see the show, but apparently a lot of people went to the spider lecture and some people were just hanging out. I'm still a little confused, as it doesn't really seem like an Angeleno thing to do. The other thing I can't figure out is why the museum doesn't do it more often. They had to be making bank! Not only with the price of admission, but they were also selling booze. I guess Silverlake's hipsters are standing behind their personas.
Anyhoo, I still highly recommend checking out Tune-Yards. And if she plays at a museum near you - GO EARLY.
But, I was excited about it, because just about a week after my obsession with Tune-Yards started, they played at the NHM's first First Friday of the year.
Because I'm anal-retentive and like to have a plan in place, I bought a ticket ahead of time (which is just regular admission to the museum), but wasn't expecting much of a problem. This was a museum on a Friday night in Los Angeles after all. I was expecting me and about 15 other people. I didn't think anyone would show up for the lecture on spiders.
Boy howdy was I wrong.
I show up to see this massive line in front of the museum. And by massive, I mean probably about 200 people. But I'm bad at estimating, so who knows. I walk up and stand in the line for a bit, but every time I stand in line, this little voice in my head reminds me of my friend Jamie who is infuriated by people who just stand in lines without knowing what they're for. They stand there because it's what the majority is doing, but they aren't sure if it's the right line for them. So after a few minutes I asked the people behind me to save my spot and went up to the doors. Good thing, because guess what, me and my advance ticket - we got to go right on through!
This is a load off my back because the concert is supposed to start in about 10 minutes. But then I see it - the line to get into the concert room. It's longer than the line to get into the museum. It's longer than the line I stood in to get into the airport 2 days before Christmas. No, it's longer than that line AND the security line that I went through. This line crosses the museum and heads down a flight of stairs before I stop and rethink.
There's no way I'm getting in. So, I head back up to the front of the line and just linger, wishing I was a little more confident or at least drunk so I would be able to slip into line. It was just me after all. Instead I hung around until some security guy said we had to step back, but not to worry because the show would be projected onto the wall.
And so that's how it came to be that I stood next to a T-Rex and a roomful of hipsters to watch a concert projected on a marble museum wall. And I'll tell you what, I don't even care. The concert was that awesome. Merrill Garbus was there with the bass player guy that's always around, but she also brought three chicks to play drums. She played a lot of new stuff, which was awesome, but also a little sad because I knew it wasn't released yet and I'd just have to wait around forever. But, it was totally amazing, and I'm glad I went. Now I just have to wait a little more to see a proper show.
There were a ton of people there to see the show, but apparently a lot of people went to the spider lecture and some people were just hanging out. I'm still a little confused, as it doesn't really seem like an Angeleno thing to do. The other thing I can't figure out is why the museum doesn't do it more often. They had to be making bank! Not only with the price of admission, but they were also selling booze. I guess Silverlake's hipsters are standing behind their personas.
Anyhoo, I still highly recommend checking out Tune-Yards. And if she plays at a museum near you - GO EARLY.
tUnE-YaRdS "Fiya" from dublab on Vimeo.
tUnE-YaRdS "Hatari" from dublab on Vimeo.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
tuneage
I recently came across this band that I am now obsessed with.
And when I say band, I mean "just one chick who uses a whole name for her band. But it's really just her."
That would be Merrill Garbus of Tune-Yards. Actually, it's TuNe-yArDs or something like that with odd capitalization. I'm not sure. I'm also not sure if I'm supposed to say, "I love their stuff," or "I love her stuff." There are a lot of grammar issues here. I feel like maybe I should diagram a sentence or something.
Anyway, she does looping things to make a whole song with just her. I mean, it'd be cooler if she had one of those "one man band" outfits with the cymbals on the knees and the bass drum. I just realized anyone who didn't grow up watching Looney Tunes might not know what I'm taking about. It looks like this:
...But, as it is, she's got short hair on one side and not on the other and she plays a ukulele, so she's pretty bad ass, even without cymbals strapped to her knees.
Check out the video below and then go to iTunes and download her stuff (especially Hatari, Sunlight, and Fiya). And if you're really cool, you'll show up to the Natural History Museum tomorrow (January 8, 2010) to see it all live.
And when I say band, I mean "just one chick who uses a whole name for her band. But it's really just her."
That would be Merrill Garbus of Tune-Yards. Actually, it's TuNe-yArDs or something like that with odd capitalization. I'm not sure. I'm also not sure if I'm supposed to say, "I love their stuff," or "I love her stuff." There are a lot of grammar issues here. I feel like maybe I should diagram a sentence or something.
Anyway, she does looping things to make a whole song with just her. I mean, it'd be cooler if she had one of those "one man band" outfits with the cymbals on the knees and the bass drum. I just realized anyone who didn't grow up watching Looney Tunes might not know what I'm taking about. It looks like this:
...But, as it is, she's got short hair on one side and not on the other and she plays a ukulele, so she's pretty bad ass, even without cymbals strapped to her knees.
Check out the video below and then go to iTunes and download her stuff (especially Hatari, Sunlight, and Fiya). And if you're really cool, you'll show up to the Natural History Museum tomorrow (January 8, 2010) to see it all live.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
ha ha
Ok, so I haven't blogged in forever. And I'm not really going to blog right now either. I just wanted to share this because I thought it was hilarious...
Someday when I have time I'll find the video.
(Note: For some reason, blogger really likes to cut off all my pictures. To read the whole thing, just click on the pic. That should work.)
Someday when I have time I'll find the video.
(Note: For some reason, blogger really likes to cut off all my pictures. To read the whole thing, just click on the pic. That should work.)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's just not ok.
“I am so pissed off.”
So started an email from my cousin the other day, telling me that Maine had repealed the law allowing LGBTs to marry.
I hadn’t really thought much about the issue since Prop 8 passed last November. I didn’t even know that Maine was voting on it. I’m not really a political person. I figure the right will never convince the left and the left will never convince the right. There are just too damn many people in this country for all of us to agree on everything. I always just kind of walk that middle line, staying out of the argument. What can I do, right?
But recently I’ve been rethinking that stance when it comes to allowing gays and lesbians to marry. Because it’s not really about marriage. It’s about allowing a certain group of people to have the same rights as everyone else.
Wait a minute…
I’m sorry, are we really talking about equal rights in the year 2009? Didn’t Rosa Parks refuse to sit in the back of the bus, like, forever ago? And didn’t Susan B. Anthony show that having a vagina doesn’t impair your ability to vote way back before computers and cars and maybe even indoor plumbing? We’ve put a man on the moon and a black man in the White House, but we’re still putting restrictions on who you can love?
Oh, I see. It’s because being gay is wrong in the eyes of the Lord. I get it now. Lawmakers have been sworn to duty – to serve and protect – and that includes saving people from the fiery pits of hell.
Wait...that's not right either.
Many, many years ago, a bunch of folks in weird outfits and a penchant for big shiny buckles got on a boat and pitted themselves against stormy seas, frigid winters, and starvation – all to escape religious prosecution. And then some other stuff happened and then it was 1776 and there were declarations and constitutions and everyone decided there would be separation of church and state.
Now – I’ll give you this – there is a bit of an overlap between religion and government. That’s because people confuse morality and religion. Religion isn’t just a list of morals you should have. It’s a belief system. And you know what? Government isn't a moral system. It's a ruling body designed to keep our society safe and organized. Because if you’re going to have more than one person living in the same space, and you don’t want total anarchy, you have to have some rules. Government is the instiller of these rules. Government says, “Hey, you know what? You probably shouldn’t kill people.” And voilá, for the most part, people refrain from murder, because it’s better for society. Religion says “Though shalt not murder.” Probably for societal reasons, but also because killing someone is killing one of God’s beloved creatures, and there’s a whole theological discussion behind why that is bad, yada yada yada. In short - same rule, different reason.
And there are a lot of those. Things that make God happy (religion) are often the same things that keep a society in working order (government).
But, and I want to say this clearly, it is not the government’s job to keep people out of hell. If I want to worship Satan, the government can’t stop me. And shouldn’t. If I want to pray to Allah, if I want to worship the earth, if I want to walk up and down Los Angeles with a giant cross on my back, that is my prerogative. If my religious devotions start affecting traffic or disturbing the neighbours or in any way harming society, then yes Mr. Police Officer, welcome to my home. But my religious beliefs are mine and yours and yours and if we disagree, then great. We can agree to disagree and maybe even learn something from each other. God Bless America.
But...Marriage. Marriage is what brings is together today.
Here’s another area where there is a little blurring of the line between government and religion. Marriage is when you make family where there wasn’t family before. For some it’s about love, for some convenience or money, and for others it’s about citizenship. Whatever reason you get married for, the government says, “Congratulations, here are your tax breaks and new legal perks.” But it’s hard, because no one watches the new couple sign the paper from the courthouse. They see the couple make vows in front of a priest. But you can get married without going to a church. And for some people who don’t feel the need to make it official to the government, you can get married at a church and not sign any papers. Church marriage and government marriage are two different things that a lot of people choose to combine. I get it. If I just signed a paper and didn’t make any vows before God, I’d feel a little weird about it. And if I got married at a church, but then didn’t get any of the fun tax breaks or couldn’t visit my spouse in the hospital, I would be outraged. But, in the end, they are two different things. The government shouldn’t care who or what you marry.
So we’ve covered that in the United States, church and state are separate, and that church marriage and state marriage are ultimately two separate things. I think at this point it’s pretty clear that banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. I could end this here and feel pretty confident that I am in the right. But for some people, there’s just no separating the Bible out of it. As a church-going girl, I have to say good on you for living your convictions. It’s great when you see God in every part of your life. But, also as a church-going girl, I’m a little confused by which God you’re talking about. Because the God that I learned about, the one who sent us Jesus, is pretty clear about loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind and loving your neighbour as yourself. In fact, he said, “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Nowhere in that statement did he say, “Go out and picket your neighbour’s right to love,” or “Go out and beat senseless someone who is different from you and tie them to a fence and leave them to die,” or “Treat people who love others of the same sex like second class citizens.”
You can throw Leviticus or Romans or Corinthians at me all you like, but ultimately, “Love the Lord, love your neighbour,” rules out all of that. And until you are following specific mold cleansing rituals and aren’t lying with a woman for 7 days after she’s had her period, don’t talk to me about Old Testament rules.
Now, if you believe that God is going to send gays to hell, then I probably won’t be able to convince you of anything different. But I should be able to convince you that treating LGBTs like second class citizens is against all that this country stands for. Would you feel pride sitting in a segregated classroom? Would you stand for Nazi’s taking your Jewish friends off to a concentration camp? Then why would you allow the poor treatment of LGBTs to go on in this country? Why are we letting confused teenagers commit suicide, and closeted people shrivel inward because they’re too afraid to be who they are, or for God’s sake letting people get murdered solely because of who they love?
Why are we sitting down for this?
What can I do? Plenty. And you can too.
To find out more about what you can do, please visit the Human Rights Campaign.
UPDATE: A good friend of mind suggests checking out the Courage Campaign.
So started an email from my cousin the other day, telling me that Maine had repealed the law allowing LGBTs to marry.
I hadn’t really thought much about the issue since Prop 8 passed last November. I didn’t even know that Maine was voting on it. I’m not really a political person. I figure the right will never convince the left and the left will never convince the right. There are just too damn many people in this country for all of us to agree on everything. I always just kind of walk that middle line, staying out of the argument. What can I do, right?
But recently I’ve been rethinking that stance when it comes to allowing gays and lesbians to marry. Because it’s not really about marriage. It’s about allowing a certain group of people to have the same rights as everyone else.
Wait a minute…
I’m sorry, are we really talking about equal rights in the year 2009? Didn’t Rosa Parks refuse to sit in the back of the bus, like, forever ago? And didn’t Susan B. Anthony show that having a vagina doesn’t impair your ability to vote way back before computers and cars and maybe even indoor plumbing? We’ve put a man on the moon and a black man in the White House, but we’re still putting restrictions on who you can love?
Oh, I see. It’s because being gay is wrong in the eyes of the Lord. I get it now. Lawmakers have been sworn to duty – to serve and protect – and that includes saving people from the fiery pits of hell.
Wait...that's not right either.
Many, many years ago, a bunch of folks in weird outfits and a penchant for big shiny buckles got on a boat and pitted themselves against stormy seas, frigid winters, and starvation – all to escape religious prosecution. And then some other stuff happened and then it was 1776 and there were declarations and constitutions and everyone decided there would be separation of church and state.
Now – I’ll give you this – there is a bit of an overlap between religion and government. That’s because people confuse morality and religion. Religion isn’t just a list of morals you should have. It’s a belief system. And you know what? Government isn't a moral system. It's a ruling body designed to keep our society safe and organized. Because if you’re going to have more than one person living in the same space, and you don’t want total anarchy, you have to have some rules. Government is the instiller of these rules. Government says, “Hey, you know what? You probably shouldn’t kill people.” And voilá, for the most part, people refrain from murder, because it’s better for society. Religion says “Though shalt not murder.” Probably for societal reasons, but also because killing someone is killing one of God’s beloved creatures, and there’s a whole theological discussion behind why that is bad, yada yada yada. In short - same rule, different reason.
And there are a lot of those. Things that make God happy (religion) are often the same things that keep a society in working order (government).
But, and I want to say this clearly, it is not the government’s job to keep people out of hell. If I want to worship Satan, the government can’t stop me. And shouldn’t. If I want to pray to Allah, if I want to worship the earth, if I want to walk up and down Los Angeles with a giant cross on my back, that is my prerogative. If my religious devotions start affecting traffic or disturbing the neighbours or in any way harming society, then yes Mr. Police Officer, welcome to my home. But my religious beliefs are mine and yours and yours and if we disagree, then great. We can agree to disagree and maybe even learn something from each other. God Bless America.
But...Marriage. Marriage is what brings is together today.
Here’s another area where there is a little blurring of the line between government and religion. Marriage is when you make family where there wasn’t family before. For some it’s about love, for some convenience or money, and for others it’s about citizenship. Whatever reason you get married for, the government says, “Congratulations, here are your tax breaks and new legal perks.” But it’s hard, because no one watches the new couple sign the paper from the courthouse. They see the couple make vows in front of a priest. But you can get married without going to a church. And for some people who don’t feel the need to make it official to the government, you can get married at a church and not sign any papers. Church marriage and government marriage are two different things that a lot of people choose to combine. I get it. If I just signed a paper and didn’t make any vows before God, I’d feel a little weird about it. And if I got married at a church, but then didn’t get any of the fun tax breaks or couldn’t visit my spouse in the hospital, I would be outraged. But, in the end, they are two different things. The government shouldn’t care who or what you marry.
So we’ve covered that in the United States, church and state are separate, and that church marriage and state marriage are ultimately two separate things. I think at this point it’s pretty clear that banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. I could end this here and feel pretty confident that I am in the right. But for some people, there’s just no separating the Bible out of it. As a church-going girl, I have to say good on you for living your convictions. It’s great when you see God in every part of your life. But, also as a church-going girl, I’m a little confused by which God you’re talking about. Because the God that I learned about, the one who sent us Jesus, is pretty clear about loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind and loving your neighbour as yourself. In fact, he said, “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Nowhere in that statement did he say, “Go out and picket your neighbour’s right to love,” or “Go out and beat senseless someone who is different from you and tie them to a fence and leave them to die,” or “Treat people who love others of the same sex like second class citizens.”
You can throw Leviticus or Romans or Corinthians at me all you like, but ultimately, “Love the Lord, love your neighbour,” rules out all of that. And until you are following specific mold cleansing rituals and aren’t lying with a woman for 7 days after she’s had her period, don’t talk to me about Old Testament rules.
Now, if you believe that God is going to send gays to hell, then I probably won’t be able to convince you of anything different. But I should be able to convince you that treating LGBTs like second class citizens is against all that this country stands for. Would you feel pride sitting in a segregated classroom? Would you stand for Nazi’s taking your Jewish friends off to a concentration camp? Then why would you allow the poor treatment of LGBTs to go on in this country? Why are we letting confused teenagers commit suicide, and closeted people shrivel inward because they’re too afraid to be who they are, or for God’s sake letting people get murdered solely because of who they love?
Why are we sitting down for this?
What can I do? Plenty. And you can too.
To find out more about what you can do, please visit the Human Rights Campaign.
UPDATE: A good friend of mind suggests checking out the Courage Campaign.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Maybe they will serve s'mores next to the pits of fire.
So, one of my youth group kids told me a story about a girl who got a flu shot and then couldn't walk or talk anymore. Then she told me that she was able to walk backwards just fine, and she could also run, and when she ran she could talk normally.
Well, I laughed my ass off. It's a sad story, but come on, that visual is hysterical. It's also completely not true. Or so I thought.
Then, I looked it up, and....
And then I laughed my ass off again.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell.
__________
UPDATE: And this guy is going with me!...from the comments section of the article on Boing Boing
Author Profile Page thecheat | #15 | 12:48 on Fri, Oct.23 |
DAMN THAT GIRL CAN KRUMP!
Well, I laughed my ass off. It's a sad story, but come on, that visual is hysterical. It's also completely not true. Or so I thought.
Then, I looked it up, and....
And then I laughed my ass off again.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell.
__________
UPDATE: And this guy is going with me!...from the comments section of the article on Boing Boing
Author Profile Page thecheat | #15 | 12:48 on Fri, Oct.23 |
DAMN THAT GIRL CAN KRUMP!
Bow chicka wow OW!
Ok, so I have a post abrewin' in my head about this whole Maine/gay marriage thing. I have some things I want to say, but I want to make sure to take the time that it deserves to write it well and write it thoughtfully.
In the meantime, I wanted to share something I came across today.
I was looking around for something on CalOSHA's website, CalOSHA being California's Occupational Safety and Health Administration, and got to this page:
To me, the page breakdown is basically:
1. Click here if you're working in porn and you have a complaint.
2. Click here if you have a complaint about any of the other hundreds of thousands of types of jobs that we have here in sunny California.
I've heard that porn is huge - but is it the biggest industry in all of California? Or do they just get that many complaints that it needs to take up, like, 50% of the complaint page? And really, if you're the type to complain to OSHA, is porn really for you? Because I don't think I've ever heard rumours about porn being a safe and healthy job to have.
First Maine, and now CalOSHA - today has left me really confused.
In the meantime, I wanted to share something I came across today.
I was looking around for something on CalOSHA's website, CalOSHA being California's Occupational Safety and Health Administration, and got to this page:
To me, the page breakdown is basically:
1. Click here if you're working in porn and you have a complaint.
2. Click here if you have a complaint about any of the other hundreds of thousands of types of jobs that we have here in sunny California.
I've heard that porn is huge - but is it the biggest industry in all of California? Or do they just get that many complaints that it needs to take up, like, 50% of the complaint page? And really, if you're the type to complain to OSHA, is porn really for you? Because I don't think I've ever heard rumours about porn being a safe and healthy job to have.
First Maine, and now CalOSHA - today has left me really confused.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I simply won't wear underwear unless it's Korean.
I passed this place last night and just had so, so many questions.
View Larger Map
(The tree and pole get in the way a bit, but it reads "Korea Underwear Discount Centr")
1. Who opened this place?
2. And why?
3. And who shops here?
4. Is underwear really that expensive?
5. What is Korean underwear?
6. Do you think maybe you should make the sign a little more discreet?
7. This place looks pretty big...is it a warehouse filled with underwear? Is there really that much of a demand?
8. Where do you get this discounted underwear?
9. Why is it discounted? Is it used?
10. Do you think maybe you should have used spell check before you printed that sign?
10a. They probably got someone to make that sign for them, seeing as how it's unlikely that they are underwear distributors and sign makers. If you were a sign maker, wouldn't it be probably, like, someone's whole job to make sure the signs were spelled correctly?
10b. If you were Korean, and English wasn't your first language, and you wanted to open a business in an American city, wouldn't you maybe go to a sign maker owned and operated by native English speakers?
10c. If you were not a native English speaker, wouldn't you maybe not open a sign business where your whole job is to print stuff in a language you don't know all that well?
10d. So you're saying to me that these underwear people ordered a sign, the sign makers designed it, there was probably a proof or two sent back and forth, then the sign was actually made and then hung into place, and during that whole process not one person was like, "Uh, dude, Center has another e in it. And, while we're on the topic, it should probably say Korean, not Korea, because it needs to be an adjective to describe what kind of underwear discount center it is."?
11.What the hell is Korean underwear?!
View Larger Map
(The tree and pole get in the way a bit, but it reads "Korea Underwear Discount Centr")
1. Who opened this place?
2. And why?
3. And who shops here?
4. Is underwear really that expensive?
5. What is Korean underwear?
6. Do you think maybe you should make the sign a little more discreet?
7. This place looks pretty big...is it a warehouse filled with underwear? Is there really that much of a demand?
8. Where do you get this discounted underwear?
9. Why is it discounted? Is it used?
10. Do you think maybe you should have used spell check before you printed that sign?
10a. They probably got someone to make that sign for them, seeing as how it's unlikely that they are underwear distributors and sign makers. If you were a sign maker, wouldn't it be probably, like, someone's whole job to make sure the signs were spelled correctly?
10b. If you were Korean, and English wasn't your first language, and you wanted to open a business in an American city, wouldn't you maybe go to a sign maker owned and operated by native English speakers?
10c. If you were not a native English speaker, wouldn't you maybe not open a sign business where your whole job is to print stuff in a language you don't know all that well?
10d. So you're saying to me that these underwear people ordered a sign, the sign makers designed it, there was probably a proof or two sent back and forth, then the sign was actually made and then hung into place, and during that whole process not one person was like, "Uh, dude, Center has another e in it. And, while we're on the topic, it should probably say Korean, not Korea, because it needs to be an adjective to describe what kind of underwear discount center it is."?
11.What the hell is Korean underwear?!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Rowr.
I'm not sure if you knew this, but there is a lot of stuff to do in Los Angeles.
For instance:
California Cougar Convention for Younger Men & Older Women
Crowne Plaza Beverly Hills (Los Angeles, CA)
Cougars from throughout California will compete for the title of Miss Cougar California at the first-ever California Cougar Convention. Lucia, "Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA TV), will deliver the keynote address on "The Cougar Revolution." Plus, enjoy a RapidDating Mixer and a dance party that lasts until 1am.
Website: http://www.cougarevents.com/
Lucia is the author of Lucia’s Lessons of Love and a syndicated columnist. She hosts The Art of Love Show on www.LAtalkradio.com. She was voted Miss Urban Cougar in December 2005 by UrbanCougar.com. She is the veteran of numerous interviews, including Dr. Phil, The Tyra Banks Show, CBS Early Show, VH1, 60 Minutes Australia, Danny Bonaduce Show, etc.
Prior to Lucia’s Keynote, Renee Piane, “The Pioneer of Rapid Dating,” will help break down barriers with a Rapid Mixer. Ms. Piane has worked with hundreds of thousands of singles over her career.
7pm - Doors open
7:30pm - RapidDating Mixer, with Renee Piane.
8pm - Keynote Address with Cougar Author and Expert LUCIA,
"The Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA)
9pm-1am - Dance Party, featuring your favorite hits.
Miss Cougar California will be selected by the Cubs at this convention. She will be crowned at approximately 11pm and will win a free berth on the Cougar Cruise (see below), will be featured by In Hollywood
Magazine, and receive a gift package from them, plus other prizes. To be eligible she must be legally single, at least 40 years old, and present at the time of selection.
Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.
Bonus: Love Shack Parties will be giving away goodie bags.
Ok. My brain is about to spatter all over the wall behind me, so imma break this down piece by piece.
*deep breath*
1. Cougar Convention? Um...who goes to this? Not "who's a cougar," because come on - they're around. I even joke about being one someday. No, I mean, like, who signs up for this and spends their money on this, and then plans for it and thinks about what outfits to wear, and tells people they are going, and then holds their head up high as they walk into the Convention center? Also - who are these young men that are doing the same thing? Wouldn't it be easier to just give the cougars a bag of hair gel, cheap aftershave, and chlamydia?
2. Miss Cougar California? This makes me think of the gin soaked American Teen Princess ladies from Drop Dead Gorgeous. "I can look at this glass and see it's half empty...which, in the beauty pageant biz means 'WHERE THE HELL IS MY WAITER?!"
3. Ok, we really have to talk about the picture.
"Yeeeeaaaaaahh boi! Imma pose like a white rapper and these mommies gonna love me!" No they're not. Because I'm going to kill you. Now take that cross necklace off before Jesus starts crying.
You are not a cougar. My guess is you are a starving actor who is hoping that none of your friends see this stupid model job you booked. Well, good for you for making a buck in this economy, but this picture will come back to haunt you.
(If I weren't such an awesome person, I'd post the picture of my friend dressed up like a sheep for a commercial she did. Sadly for you, it turns out I'm a great friend.)
You are on your way to Target.
You, my dear, are in desperate need of some meds. Who told you to stand like that? Come here so I can slap you. Also, you are not a cougar. You are maybe 12.
Where is the nexus of this intersection? Are you sure you're going to the Cougar Convention and not to Lilith Fair?
4. Website: http://www.cougarevents.com/
Events? Plural?
5. Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking,Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational,LASingles Society, and many others.
Oh my God. What do Cougars cook? I thought they just ate through the raw meat and bone of their bloody carcasses. Are there European cougars? I thought Europe was supposed to be way classier than us.
6. Co-Sponsored byCougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.
hahahaha Cougars have mustaches.
For instance:
California Cougar Convention for Younger Men & Older Women
Crowne Plaza Beverly Hills (Los Angeles, CA)
Cougars from throughout California will compete for the title of Miss Cougar California at the first-ever California Cougar Convention. Lucia, "Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA TV), will deliver the keynote address on "The Cougar Revolution." Plus, enjoy a RapidDating Mixer and a dance party that lasts until 1am.
Website: http://www.cougarevents.com/
Lucia is the author of Lucia’s Lessons of Love and a syndicated columnist. She hosts The Art of Love Show on www.LAtalkradio.com. She was voted Miss Urban Cougar in December 2005 by UrbanCougar.com. She is the veteran of numerous interviews, including Dr. Phil, The Tyra Banks Show, CBS Early Show, VH1, 60 Minutes Australia, Danny Bonaduce Show, etc.
Prior to Lucia’s Keynote, Renee Piane, “The Pioneer of Rapid Dating,” will help break down barriers with a Rapid Mixer. Ms. Piane has worked with hundreds of thousands of singles over her career.
7pm - Doors open
7:30pm - RapidDating Mixer, with Renee Piane.
8pm - Keynote Address with Cougar Author and Expert LUCIA,
"The Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA)
9pm-1am - Dance Party, featuring your favorite hits.
Miss Cougar California will be selected by the Cubs at this convention. She will be crowned at approximately 11pm and will win a free berth on the Cougar Cruise (see below), will be featured by In Hollywood
Magazine, and receive a gift package from them, plus other prizes. To be eligible she must be legally single, at least 40 years old, and present at the time of selection.
Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.
Bonus: Love Shack Parties will be giving away goodie bags.
Ok. My brain is about to spatter all over the wall behind me, so imma break this down piece by piece.
*deep breath*
1. Cougar Convention? Um...who goes to this? Not "who's a cougar," because come on - they're around. I even joke about being one someday. No, I mean, like, who signs up for this and spends their money on this, and then plans for it and thinks about what outfits to wear, and tells people they are going, and then holds their head up high as they walk into the Convention center? Also - who are these young men that are doing the same thing? Wouldn't it be easier to just give the cougars a bag of hair gel, cheap aftershave, and chlamydia?
2. Miss Cougar California? This makes me think of the gin soaked American Teen Princess ladies from Drop Dead Gorgeous. "I can look at this glass and see it's half empty...which, in the beauty pageant biz means 'WHERE THE HELL IS MY WAITER?!"
3. Ok, we really have to talk about the picture.
"Yeeeeaaaaaahh boi! Imma pose like a white rapper and these mommies gonna love me!" No they're not. Because I'm going to kill you. Now take that cross necklace off before Jesus starts crying.
You are not a cougar. My guess is you are a starving actor who is hoping that none of your friends see this stupid model job you booked. Well, good for you for making a buck in this economy, but this picture will come back to haunt you.
(If I weren't such an awesome person, I'd post the picture of my friend dressed up like a sheep for a commercial she did. Sadly for you, it turns out I'm a great friend.)
You are on your way to Target.
You, my dear, are in desperate need of some meds. Who told you to stand like that? Come here so I can slap you. Also, you are not a cougar. You are maybe 12.
Where is the nexus of this intersection? Are you sure you're going to the Cougar Convention and not to Lilith Fair?
4. Website: http://www.cougarevents.com/
Events? Plural?
5. Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking,
CougarInternational,
Oh my God. What do Cougars cook? I thought they just ate through the raw meat and bone of their bloody carcasses. Are there European cougars? I thought Europe was supposed to be way classier than us.
6. Co-Sponsored by
hahahaha Cougars have mustaches.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Everybody wants to (save) the world.
Some philanthropy magazine based in the UK recently introduced an essay contest. Winners get published in the magazine and get 1,000 British pounds. Being published sounds fun (although, not gonna lie, yours truly IS a published author. I got some poem published in a book in the 4th grade. Yep. Didn't know I was famous, did you?). And getting 1,000 British pounds, which is probably like a million American dollars, would be enough for me to run away to some beautiful island with swim up bars and cabana boys and hammocks. At least for a few days.
So I happily entered.
I highly doubt I will win, as they probably wanted real answers. I mean, I gave them a real answer that I'm serious about, but I'm not sure my writing style will be appreciated. So I'm gonna post it here. I hope you enjoy.
Without further ado:
The Question:
As a philanthropist, how would you spend $10 million to combat global warming?
The Rules:
Would you seek to put pressure on governments? Or to drive changes in public behaviour directly? Or to incentivize markets? Would you focus on challenging unsustainable consumption trends? Or on addressing questions of equity between richer and poorer countries? Would you target your efforts towards particular countries or regions? Or particular industry sectors? Or particular technologies or institutions?
Whatever your plan, your essay must give some indication of how you would judge if you had been successful and in what timeframe you would do this. Bear in mind that the $10 million could be used over any period of time that you see fit. You should also indicate what you see as the main obstacles to the success of your plan.
My Answer:
The only way to combat global warming and reverse our environment’s pendulum swing away from destruction is to change the entire population’s habits and the way we think about our relationship to the planet. This is no small task. People are notoriously difficult to change and a lot of people don’t think about the environment (or much of anything) at all.
But I don’t think it’s hopeless.
There are three ways that we can change things.
1. Wait until we’re faced with an irreversible environmental catastrophe. As cities are destroyed and our skin burns in acidic rain, we’ll run in the streets, weeping and gnashing our teeth, yelling, “Why? Why did I leave the water running when I brushed my teeth? Why did I buy that ridiculous Hummer? Why didn’t I listen to Al Gore?” And as we’re all shuttled off to Iceland (which would then feel a few degrees hotter than Hades), we’ll sniff back tears and promise to change our wicked ways.
2. Realize through our current trials and tribulations that the power to make big changes comes from within, and that collectively, we humans - a mighty and extraordinary species - have the courage, compassion, and intellect to look our bad environmental habits in the eye, overcome our fears and sloth, and get back to the way things used to be.
3. Make being green lucrative for business owners and cheap for consumers.
Seeing as how the first way is a bit “too little, too late,” and the second is just the plot of the Wizard of Oz, I would direct my efforts toward method number three. Assuming a 2% APY, compounding once annually, I'd tuck the $10 million safely into a savings account and let it grow for 2 years. Sadly, this will only bump me up to roughly $10.4 million, but every little bit helps and I have some important work to do during that time. While my money is growing, I'd need to make some key contacts. See, this particular philanthropic endeavor has to be for-profit in order to work, but it involves some of the same principles used in nonprofit organizations. Namely donor cultivation; convincing potential funders that their investment will benefit a particular constituency – in this case, the global community. I’d befriend young, rich entrepreneurs. I’d sip bourbon with 10-gallon-hat wearing, oil-owning Texans. I’d have hushed conversations with Senators in dimly-lit D.C. bars. (Maybe I'm jaded after 8 years of the Bush administration, or maybe it's because I have no idea how the legal system works, but it seems to me if you want to make any real change, you need to have a politician in your back pocket.)
Next – putting my plan into action! I’d buy a huge lot of desert land in Nevada and set up a solar power company. My deep-pocketed friends would be share-holders in this company of course, as I would need much more than my $10.4 million dollars to get it going. The selling point would be that the customers would get their energy at a much, much cheaper price, as I’d keep the profit margin very low, but because I’d be the most earth-friendly yet cheap energy company ever, every one would use our power, making the profit loss up in quantity of customers. My customers are happy, my cowboy oil stock holders are happy, the earth is happy.
This is when things would get really expensive though, as power, oil, and coal companies would start working to bury me in lawsuits, trying desperately to keep the market in their favour. Lucky for me I spent all that time in D.C. buying whores for politicians! And extra lucky for me my big shot friends, grateful for including them in my lucrative plan, were willing to contribute to key re-election campaigns…I slide right through this part.
I tell you, once this green ball is rolling, it’s impossible to stop! Now that the solar company is raking in the dough, I’d buy up the buried patents on the cars that run on garbage (Come on – we put a man on the moon, but we haven’t already invented a car that runs well on something other than oil and gas?) from the now-broke oil and gas company owners. Then, once my green companies have control of the power and auto markets, I’ll have enough pull to make stricter laws on pollution, making sure that if companies are going to do the bare minimum in order to keep their bottom line fat, that the bare minimum is set pretty darn high! Meanwhile, other businesses will have to take up greener practices to compete.
I realize that completely toppling decades-old businesses and therefore leaving thousands (maybe millions!) of citizens without jobs would cause public dissent and would be bad for business. Making sure this didn’t become a PR nightmare requires a two-pronged approach. First, I would now hire the coal companies to re-green the mountain tops they have destroyed, the auto companies to help make and distribute my new green cars, and the oil companies to rebuild much of the Middle East. (Did I mention that because our oil consumption has decreased so significantly, we no longer have to continue fighting in Iraq and surrounding countries? How’s that for supporting the troops!). This would give people jobs, and more importantly, green jobs! Second, I’d get liberal, do-gooder celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck to make my company the new black, assuring that Hollywood was on board. In a short amount of time, TV and film propaganda would make sure the American people knew what to think.
Once I had my business model down, I’d take this baby global. It will take a while to turn this polluted ship around and reverse some of the damage we have already done, but I figure I can set up a company, prove its sustainability, and have completely greened the business market in four, five years tops.
The end.
So I happily entered.
I highly doubt I will win, as they probably wanted real answers. I mean, I gave them a real answer that I'm serious about, but I'm not sure my writing style will be appreciated. So I'm gonna post it here. I hope you enjoy.
Without further ado:
The Question:
As a philanthropist, how would you spend $10 million to combat global warming?
The Rules:
Would you seek to put pressure on governments? Or to drive changes in public behaviour directly? Or to incentivize markets? Would you focus on challenging unsustainable consumption trends? Or on addressing questions of equity between richer and poorer countries? Would you target your efforts towards particular countries or regions? Or particular industry sectors? Or particular technologies or institutions?
Whatever your plan, your essay must give some indication of how you would judge if you had been successful and in what timeframe you would do this. Bear in mind that the $10 million could be used over any period of time that you see fit. You should also indicate what you see as the main obstacles to the success of your plan.
My Answer:
The only way to combat global warming and reverse our environment’s pendulum swing away from destruction is to change the entire population’s habits and the way we think about our relationship to the planet. This is no small task. People are notoriously difficult to change and a lot of people don’t think about the environment (or much of anything) at all.
But I don’t think it’s hopeless.
There are three ways that we can change things.
1. Wait until we’re faced with an irreversible environmental catastrophe. As cities are destroyed and our skin burns in acidic rain, we’ll run in the streets, weeping and gnashing our teeth, yelling, “Why? Why did I leave the water running when I brushed my teeth? Why did I buy that ridiculous Hummer? Why didn’t I listen to Al Gore?” And as we’re all shuttled off to Iceland (which would then feel a few degrees hotter than Hades), we’ll sniff back tears and promise to change our wicked ways.
2. Realize through our current trials and tribulations that the power to make big changes comes from within, and that collectively, we humans - a mighty and extraordinary species - have the courage, compassion, and intellect to look our bad environmental habits in the eye, overcome our fears and sloth, and get back to the way things used to be.
3. Make being green lucrative for business owners and cheap for consumers.
Seeing as how the first way is a bit “too little, too late,” and the second is just the plot of the Wizard of Oz, I would direct my efforts toward method number three. Assuming a 2% APY, compounding once annually, I'd tuck the $10 million safely into a savings account and let it grow for 2 years. Sadly, this will only bump me up to roughly $10.4 million, but every little bit helps and I have some important work to do during that time. While my money is growing, I'd need to make some key contacts. See, this particular philanthropic endeavor has to be for-profit in order to work, but it involves some of the same principles used in nonprofit organizations. Namely donor cultivation; convincing potential funders that their investment will benefit a particular constituency – in this case, the global community. I’d befriend young, rich entrepreneurs. I’d sip bourbon with 10-gallon-hat wearing, oil-owning Texans. I’d have hushed conversations with Senators in dimly-lit D.C. bars. (Maybe I'm jaded after 8 years of the Bush administration, or maybe it's because I have no idea how the legal system works, but it seems to me if you want to make any real change, you need to have a politician in your back pocket.)
Next – putting my plan into action! I’d buy a huge lot of desert land in Nevada and set up a solar power company. My deep-pocketed friends would be share-holders in this company of course, as I would need much more than my $10.4 million dollars to get it going. The selling point would be that the customers would get their energy at a much, much cheaper price, as I’d keep the profit margin very low, but because I’d be the most earth-friendly yet cheap energy company ever, every one would use our power, making the profit loss up in quantity of customers. My customers are happy, my cowboy oil stock holders are happy, the earth is happy.
This is when things would get really expensive though, as power, oil, and coal companies would start working to bury me in lawsuits, trying desperately to keep the market in their favour. Lucky for me I spent all that time in D.C. buying whores for politicians! And extra lucky for me my big shot friends, grateful for including them in my lucrative plan, were willing to contribute to key re-election campaigns…I slide right through this part.
I tell you, once this green ball is rolling, it’s impossible to stop! Now that the solar company is raking in the dough, I’d buy up the buried patents on the cars that run on garbage (Come on – we put a man on the moon, but we haven’t already invented a car that runs well on something other than oil and gas?) from the now-broke oil and gas company owners. Then, once my green companies have control of the power and auto markets, I’ll have enough pull to make stricter laws on pollution, making sure that if companies are going to do the bare minimum in order to keep their bottom line fat, that the bare minimum is set pretty darn high! Meanwhile, other businesses will have to take up greener practices to compete.
I realize that completely toppling decades-old businesses and therefore leaving thousands (maybe millions!) of citizens without jobs would cause public dissent and would be bad for business. Making sure this didn’t become a PR nightmare requires a two-pronged approach. First, I would now hire the coal companies to re-green the mountain tops they have destroyed, the auto companies to help make and distribute my new green cars, and the oil companies to rebuild much of the Middle East. (Did I mention that because our oil consumption has decreased so significantly, we no longer have to continue fighting in Iraq and surrounding countries? How’s that for supporting the troops!). This would give people jobs, and more importantly, green jobs! Second, I’d get liberal, do-gooder celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck to make my company the new black, assuring that Hollywood was on board. In a short amount of time, TV and film propaganda would make sure the American people knew what to think.
Once I had my business model down, I’d take this baby global. It will take a while to turn this polluted ship around and reverse some of the damage we have already done, but I figure I can set up a company, prove its sustainability, and have completely greened the business market in four, five years tops.
The end.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Education is an important issue. And over here at I Like Q Headquarters, I like to do my part to educate. In this instance, I'd like to pass along some helpful tips that I found on the Internets. I haven't tried them, so I guess I'm less educating more than I'm just passing along some random shit that may or may not be true, but what the hell - I was only an education major for one semester in college.
21 Uses for Vodka
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix one part vodka and three parts water and spray the clothing, then launder and let dry.
20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
21 Uses for Vodka
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix one part vodka and three parts water and spray the clothing, then launder and let dry.
20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Important things to ponder at 12:01 am.
1. What's this new trend of referring to people as @name. Like, on a facebook status, someone will be like "@Rachel - I thought the same thing!" Um, my name is Rachel. Just Rachel. And facebook is not Twitter. I'm assuming that's where it comes from, right? Twitter? I hate Twitter. It's stupid unless you're following a celebrity. But, back to the original point - why add the @ when you're not on Twitter? It makes me feel like a robot. And, it serves no purpose. No purpose at all.
2. So, you know when you're daydreaming about what it would be like to go back in time and the more you start thinking about it, the more you realize you don't know how anything works? Like - how would you make soap, so you could stay clean (unlike all the people from the Dark Ages that never bathed)? Could you rig a system with indoor plumbing? I couldn't. Nor could I make electricity or anything. Well, for some reason, I spend a lot of time thinking about this, and it looks like I'm not the only one, because someone came up with this. If the internet is good for one thing, it's helping you realize that other people waste their time thinking about the same crazy shit as you.
3. Did you ever notice that there was a lot of rapping about Arnold Schwarzenegger in the early 90's? I wonder if those rappers think about how he's just a boring old Republican governor now when they hear those songs.
Not sure what I'm talking about?
Shoop/Salt 'N Pepa - "Got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face"
Jump Around/House of Pain - "Or better yet a terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Try'n to play me out like as if my name was Sega"
Arnold Schwarzenegger/World's Apart - "'Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger is in your dreams each night Where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to kiss and hold you tight"
And I'm sure there's more. Was Arnold, like, way bigger than I remember him being? I mean, I was at the peak of my pop culture knowledge in the 90's and I don't remember him being all that awesome.
4. I wish my name was in rap songs. I was in a rap video once, but no lyrics revolving around @Rachel. I bet you think I'm kidding about the rap video, but it's true. I was totally a video ho for a day and I loved every second of it.
You can see me around the 2:08 mark. And by "see" I mean "know exactly where to look and don't blink."
2. So, you know when you're daydreaming about what it would be like to go back in time and the more you start thinking about it, the more you realize you don't know how anything works? Like - how would you make soap, so you could stay clean (unlike all the people from the Dark Ages that never bathed)? Could you rig a system with indoor plumbing? I couldn't. Nor could I make electricity or anything. Well, for some reason, I spend a lot of time thinking about this, and it looks like I'm not the only one, because someone came up with this. If the internet is good for one thing, it's helping you realize that other people waste their time thinking about the same crazy shit as you.
3. Did you ever notice that there was a lot of rapping about Arnold Schwarzenegger in the early 90's? I wonder if those rappers think about how he's just a boring old Republican governor now when they hear those songs.
Not sure what I'm talking about?
Shoop/Salt 'N Pepa - "Got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face"
Jump Around/House of Pain - "Or better yet a terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Try'n to play me out like as if my name was Sega"
Arnold Schwarzenegger/World's Apart - "'Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger is in your dreams each night Where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to kiss and hold you tight"
And I'm sure there's more. Was Arnold, like, way bigger than I remember him being? I mean, I was at the peak of my pop culture knowledge in the 90's and I don't remember him being all that awesome.
4. I wish my name was in rap songs. I was in a rap video once, but no lyrics revolving around @Rachel. I bet you think I'm kidding about the rap video, but it's true. I was totally a video ho for a day and I loved every second of it.
You can see me around the 2:08 mark. And by "see" I mean "know exactly where to look and don't blink."
Saturday, September 26, 2009
My first love letter.
Dear Maker's Mark,
It's Saturday night. I've had a long, stressful week at work. I'm sitting at my computer making a mixed cd for a friend, sipping Maker's made just right, and I decided I must write a love letter.
Apparently I came to visit the Maker's factory in Kentucky when I was very young while on family vacation. It must have stuck with me, because this smooth amber liquid settles my soul and makes me feel at home.
I live a long way away from the West Virginia hills where I grew up, but I can taste the Appalachians in your drink; and when I take a sip, I know everything is going to be all right.
I silently thank you every time I have a drink, but on this night, as the sun sets and I listen to jangly country guitars through my speakers, I want to say it out loud.
Thank you.
Love,
Rachel
It's Saturday night. I've had a long, stressful week at work. I'm sitting at my computer making a mixed cd for a friend, sipping Maker's made just right, and I decided I must write a love letter.
Apparently I came to visit the Maker's factory in Kentucky when I was very young while on family vacation. It must have stuck with me, because this smooth amber liquid settles my soul and makes me feel at home.
I live a long way away from the West Virginia hills where I grew up, but I can taste the Appalachians in your drink; and when I take a sip, I know everything is going to be all right.
I silently thank you every time I have a drink, but on this night, as the sun sets and I listen to jangly country guitars through my speakers, I want to say it out loud.
Thank you.
Love,
Rachel
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Ring Around the Rosie
UPDATE: When you read this you'll probably think I'm crazy, because these are normal directions. When I posted this Google gave me some freaky ass directions that circled me all over Los Angeles. So, this post was funny once. Trust me.
I was looking for directions from Union Station to my house today, and this is what Google maps decided would be the quickest route:
View Larger Map
Because obviously driving a route that looks like a twisty straw is much more important than getting home, say, sometime this week. Culver City by way of Alhambra? An excellent choice.
This is my favourite part:
View Larger Map
I wish the directions said, "Add some flair to your drive by making a fun circle on the 710 for no reason. It's a great accessory to any trip. For even more fun - bring your bedazzler!"
Who even knew there was a 710?
It reminds me of the early days of Google maps when to get from New York to London, for example, it would tell you to swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaking of Google Maps - they have this thing called Street View, which I absolutely love. You can see what the building looks like for the job interview you have the next day, you can see creepy people standing in windows, and you can even see my car sitting in front of my parents house in Montana (they really need to update that satellite feed).
They can also do a little product placement.
Some of you know that I like to be very vocal with companies whose services I use. I send them letters of complaint, letters of praise, letters with suggestions, and so on. How can I expect them to better serve me if I don't tell them what I want? Lately I've had to do a lot of complaining, (that's another blog for another day), but just a few days ago I wrote a nice letter to Budweiser telling them that I loved their Bud Light + Clamato Chelada's, but that I wished they came in sizes other than the 24 oz. cans, which is just a little too much at once. I got the nicest, completely customized (read: NOT A FORM LETTER!) email back from an employee, that not only used the phrase, "You're wish is our command!" but also listed some places in the area that sell Chelada's in a smaller size. I of course went straight to Google maps to find where the closest one is, and this is the street view that comes up:
View Larger Map
Talk about great advertising!
UPDATE: Apparently, the Google van has made another sweep past this street, because the picture is different. It used to be a giant Budweiser semi blocking the Arco station.
I could spend hours looking at things on Google maps, but I have a lot to do, and I'm tired, and I have a glass of whisky waiting for me so I'll leave you with a giant uncooked chicken in Pittsburgh:
View Larger Map
Make sure you turn 180 degrees to see the guy dressed as a ham lurking in the alleyway. It doesn't really look like a ham, but fortunately for us, Google has a zoom feature, and the guy in the suit was nice enough to label his confusing costume "Ham".
I was looking for directions from Union Station to my house today, and this is what Google maps decided would be the quickest route:
View Larger Map
Because obviously driving a route that looks like a twisty straw is much more important than getting home, say, sometime this week. Culver City by way of Alhambra? An excellent choice.
This is my favourite part:
View Larger Map
I wish the directions said, "Add some flair to your drive by making a fun circle on the 710 for no reason. It's a great accessory to any trip. For even more fun - bring your bedazzler!"
Who even knew there was a 710?
It reminds me of the early days of Google maps when to get from New York to London, for example, it would tell you to swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaking of Google Maps - they have this thing called Street View, which I absolutely love. You can see what the building looks like for the job interview you have the next day, you can see creepy people standing in windows, and you can even see my car sitting in front of my parents house in Montana (they really need to update that satellite feed).
They can also do a little product placement.
Some of you know that I like to be very vocal with companies whose services I use. I send them letters of complaint, letters of praise, letters with suggestions, and so on. How can I expect them to better serve me if I don't tell them what I want? Lately I've had to do a lot of complaining, (that's another blog for another day), but just a few days ago I wrote a nice letter to Budweiser telling them that I loved their Bud Light + Clamato Chelada's, but that I wished they came in sizes other than the 24 oz. cans, which is just a little too much at once. I got the nicest, completely customized (read: NOT A FORM LETTER!) email back from an employee, that not only used the phrase, "You're wish is our command!" but also listed some places in the area that sell Chelada's in a smaller size. I of course went straight to Google maps to find where the closest one is, and this is the street view that comes up:
View Larger Map
Talk about great advertising!
UPDATE: Apparently, the Google van has made another sweep past this street, because the picture is different. It used to be a giant Budweiser semi blocking the Arco station.
I could spend hours looking at things on Google maps, but I have a lot to do, and I'm tired, and I have a glass of whisky waiting for me so I'll leave you with a giant uncooked chicken in Pittsburgh:
View Larger Map
Make sure you turn 180 degrees to see the guy dressed as a ham lurking in the alleyway. It doesn't really look like a ham, but fortunately for us, Google has a zoom feature, and the guy in the suit was nice enough to label his confusing costume "Ham".
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Be our guest! Be our Guest! Our command is your request
I'm so hot right now.
Check me out guest blogging on Lori's blog.
It's a little offensive. Enough so that she added a caveat to the beginning. Um, sorry about that. I sent it to her in an email and now that I'm seeing it all printed up for the world to see I'm a little like Woah.
I'd write more, but I'm off to Anaheim to see some West Virginians.
Check me out guest blogging on Lori's blog.
It's a little offensive. Enough so that she added a caveat to the beginning. Um, sorry about that. I sent it to her in an email and now that I'm seeing it all printed up for the world to see I'm a little like Woah.
I'd write more, but I'm off to Anaheim to see some West Virginians.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I'm tore up: a pictorial.
I'm starting to feel old. Not in a "wiser" kind of way, but more in a "my body is falling apart" way.
I peg the decline of youth at about 24 years old. That's when random knee pains, loss of mental faculties, etc. started occurring out of nowhere. Faint wrinkles started to appear around my eyes.
Then at about 27 there was a second drop. I started to get fatter, and care less about getting fat. I started getting complacent. Faint wrinkles became less faint and fun forehead wrinkles started to show up.
And now at the ripe old age of 28 and 3/4ths I'm starting to not be able to sustain injuries like I used to.
My current decrepit state started last Saturday - July 4th. I went to Visalia - my friend's hometown - to celebrate our nation's birthday (or whatever the hell the 4th is all about besides beer and burgers). She'd been talking up river floating for years now and I was excited to actually go.
It was so fun and relaxing. Until we hit the rapids. They weren't big. Nothing to worry about. But then there was a pirate ship in the way (isn't there always?), and my inner tube was underinflated, and I ran into some guy and next thing I know, I'm being drug over sharp rocks at a fast pace. It hurt, but I've felt worse, and it was over in a few minutes. For the most part I was just numb and a little sad that I'd lost my flip flops and sunglasses.
The real fun part came later when I was having trouble laying down, so I took a look at my (sweet, luscious) ass in the mirror and saw a bunch of giant bruises. I won't take pictures of my (juicy) ass and post them here, because ew, but pretty much I look like this:
Which is fine. I can sleep on my stomach.
But then today, I drove my scooter to a mailbox. Easy peasy, right? Well. I pulled up to the big blue box, put my hand brake on and pushed the button that keeps my bike upright. See, I have a Piaggio mp3, which looks like this:
The two front wheels actually lean with each other and there is a button that will lock them in position. I put my right foot on the ground and was in the middle of swinging my left leg over, when my jacket caught the button and unlocked the front wheels, which sent my bike tipping to the right. Which trapped my right foot between my 500 pound bike and the curb. The scene looked something like this:
I'm not really the best at Paint, but I'm here to tell you, that's almost exactly what it looked like.
Anyway, so my bike falls to the side and my leg is trapped against the curb and I'm, like, half on my bike, half off of it, and I know I look like a beached manatee and I'm super embarrased and I'm not quite sure what to do. I tried lifting the bike, but, like I mentioned before, the thing weighs 500 pounds and I wasn't in the best position to push it off me. So, I start wiggling my foot to the left, to get it to an opening big enough to untangle it. Just as I get it out, this guy that looks like he just hopped the border fence comes running across the street to help me.
He helped me right the bike, and I tried to explain what happened, so he wouldn't think I was a complete dumb ass, and to say thank you, but I don't think he understood and I was too flustered to say gracias.
And now my ankle has one of those bruises that doesn't look too bad yet, but has a menacing look to it and that "there's so much blood trapped under here that it's hard" kind of feel and the whole area is tingly. I look like this:
So now I have my foot up and I'm icing it and I'm whining about my war wounds on the world wide web and sipping whiskey. I had originally planned to go bike riding tonight and start work on getting fit again, specifically because I'm so old and fat and battered and need to be able to handle life's blows better - but tonight I'm too old and fat and battered to to work on not being old and fat and battered. So now my evening plans look like this:
And my cat looks like this:
because I'm neglecting her to write this post, and she really wants to be petted, and she doesn't care about any pain I might be in, so she's just kind of silently lurking next to my chair and giving me the eye.
I take that back, now she's standing on her back legs and yelling at me.
I feel like a (bruised, old) bad mom.
The end.
I peg the decline of youth at about 24 years old. That's when random knee pains, loss of mental faculties, etc. started occurring out of nowhere. Faint wrinkles started to appear around my eyes.
Then at about 27 there was a second drop. I started to get fatter, and care less about getting fat. I started getting complacent. Faint wrinkles became less faint and fun forehead wrinkles started to show up.
And now at the ripe old age of 28 and 3/4ths I'm starting to not be able to sustain injuries like I used to.
My current decrepit state started last Saturday - July 4th. I went to Visalia - my friend's hometown - to celebrate our nation's birthday (or whatever the hell the 4th is all about besides beer and burgers). She'd been talking up river floating for years now and I was excited to actually go.
It was so fun and relaxing. Until we hit the rapids. They weren't big. Nothing to worry about. But then there was a pirate ship in the way (isn't there always?), and my inner tube was underinflated, and I ran into some guy and next thing I know, I'm being drug over sharp rocks at a fast pace. It hurt, but I've felt worse, and it was over in a few minutes. For the most part I was just numb and a little sad that I'd lost my flip flops and sunglasses.
The real fun part came later when I was having trouble laying down, so I took a look at my (sweet, luscious) ass in the mirror and saw a bunch of giant bruises. I won't take pictures of my (juicy) ass and post them here, because ew, but pretty much I look like this:
Which is fine. I can sleep on my stomach.
But then today, I drove my scooter to a mailbox. Easy peasy, right? Well. I pulled up to the big blue box, put my hand brake on and pushed the button that keeps my bike upright. See, I have a Piaggio mp3, which looks like this:
The two front wheels actually lean with each other and there is a button that will lock them in position. I put my right foot on the ground and was in the middle of swinging my left leg over, when my jacket caught the button and unlocked the front wheels, which sent my bike tipping to the right. Which trapped my right foot between my 500 pound bike and the curb. The scene looked something like this:
I'm not really the best at Paint, but I'm here to tell you, that's almost exactly what it looked like.
Anyway, so my bike falls to the side and my leg is trapped against the curb and I'm, like, half on my bike, half off of it, and I know I look like a beached manatee and I'm super embarrased and I'm not quite sure what to do. I tried lifting the bike, but, like I mentioned before, the thing weighs 500 pounds and I wasn't in the best position to push it off me. So, I start wiggling my foot to the left, to get it to an opening big enough to untangle it. Just as I get it out, this guy that looks like he just hopped the border fence comes running across the street to help me.
He helped me right the bike, and I tried to explain what happened, so he wouldn't think I was a complete dumb ass, and to say thank you, but I don't think he understood and I was too flustered to say gracias.
And now my ankle has one of those bruises that doesn't look too bad yet, but has a menacing look to it and that "there's so much blood trapped under here that it's hard" kind of feel and the whole area is tingly. I look like this:
So now I have my foot up and I'm icing it and I'm whining about my war wounds on the world wide web and sipping whiskey. I had originally planned to go bike riding tonight and start work on getting fit again, specifically because I'm so old and fat and battered and need to be able to handle life's blows better - but tonight I'm too old and fat and battered to to work on not being old and fat and battered. So now my evening plans look like this:
And my cat looks like this:
because I'm neglecting her to write this post, and she really wants to be petted, and she doesn't care about any pain I might be in, so she's just kind of silently lurking next to my chair and giving me the eye.
I take that back, now she's standing on her back legs and yelling at me.
I feel like a (bruised, old) bad mom.
The end.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
My morning grind just got so much better.
I'm a big fan of music. When I was younger I played in about every band possible (like, school orchestra type bands - not cool rock bands. Let it be known that I am not hip). When I was in high school, the Information Superhighway* (which, by the way, I was sure would never fly) was just starting to become accessible to the average Joe and I would search music message boards and try to find new, cool alternative** music. I would drive to the mall and search Sam Goody for a cd that looked interesting, and give it a shot. This was in the days before mp3s and Napster and in general being able to sample bits of music to see what you liked. In fact, cd's themselves were relatively new. I bought my first cd in 1994, right before I started high school.***
This is all to say that now, with music as accessible as it is, I'm in hog heaven, and I spend a lot of time on iTunes and The Hype Machine downloading new music. I downloaded enough that I ran out of room on my 8G iPod. Which would have been alright, but my iTunes was being annoying and I could only manage to get a few hundred songs on there, and for some reason, when I put it on shuffle in the morning so I could dance around while I got ready for work (and, let's be honest, so I could sing to my cat), it would play the same handful of songs over and over. It was getting a little monotonous - and whose morning schedule needs MORE monotony? Not mine, that's for sure.
Enter Lori Culwell, author extraordinaire. Note that I said author, not writer, because she is published. Several times. Check it out here, here, and here.
I met Lori while taking a UCLA Extension class, and we bonded over the fact that we both appreciate all the really weird and funny crap that happens around Los Angeles. (More on this later). Anyway, Lori's husband, Stephan (who is a voice-over actor and was on Family Guy once, which makes me want to pee my pants a little), somehow managed to run out of room on his 80G iPod. So after hearing my plight of the full iPod on Facebook they...drum roll please...decided to give it to me. How nice is that?? I loaded it up last night, and while I still have a long way to go to fill all the space, I really appreciated the eclectic mix of songs that were the soundtrack to my morning and Miss Mags really, really enjoyed having Erasure's "Always" sung to her.
Thank you Lori and Stephan!!!
In other Lori news, she has a blog (Funny Strange) that details all the weird and hilarious things that she witnesses around town and she invited me to be a guest blogger! I'm not sure exactly when it will post, but it should be up this week, so head on over there and check out my 15 minutes of fame!
* If you were born in the 90's you may not know it, but Information Superhighway was what they called the Internet before it exploded into what it is today.
** Again, if you were born in the 90's, you probably don't know that alternative music used to be the term for the underground stuff that not many people listened to - Nirvana, Bjork, etc. When those bands became more widely-liked, underground stuff then became Indie, but now Indie is what's popular, so I'm sure another term will be coming soon.
*** I'm starting to feel kind of old.
This is all to say that now, with music as accessible as it is, I'm in hog heaven, and I spend a lot of time on iTunes and The Hype Machine downloading new music. I downloaded enough that I ran out of room on my 8G iPod. Which would have been alright, but my iTunes was being annoying and I could only manage to get a few hundred songs on there, and for some reason, when I put it on shuffle in the morning so I could dance around while I got ready for work (and, let's be honest, so I could sing to my cat), it would play the same handful of songs over and over. It was getting a little monotonous - and whose morning schedule needs MORE monotony? Not mine, that's for sure.
Enter Lori Culwell, author extraordinaire. Note that I said author, not writer, because she is published. Several times. Check it out here, here, and here.
I met Lori while taking a UCLA Extension class, and we bonded over the fact that we both appreciate all the really weird and funny crap that happens around Los Angeles. (More on this later). Anyway, Lori's husband, Stephan (who is a voice-over actor and was on Family Guy once, which makes me want to pee my pants a little), somehow managed to run out of room on his 80G iPod. So after hearing my plight of the full iPod on Facebook they...drum roll please...decided to give it to me. How nice is that?? I loaded it up last night, and while I still have a long way to go to fill all the space, I really appreciated the eclectic mix of songs that were the soundtrack to my morning and Miss Mags really, really enjoyed having Erasure's "Always" sung to her.
Thank you Lori and Stephan!!!
In other Lori news, she has a blog (Funny Strange) that details all the weird and hilarious things that she witnesses around town and she invited me to be a guest blogger! I'm not sure exactly when it will post, but it should be up this week, so head on over there and check out my 15 minutes of fame!
* If you were born in the 90's you may not know it, but Information Superhighway was what they called the Internet before it exploded into what it is today.
** Again, if you were born in the 90's, you probably don't know that alternative music used to be the term for the underground stuff that not many people listened to - Nirvana, Bjork, etc. When those bands became more widely-liked, underground stuff then became Indie, but now Indie is what's popular, so I'm sure another term will be coming soon.
*** I'm starting to feel kind of old.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Blame it on the alcohol.
There's so much to catch you up on - like how I floated down a river and totally bruised my ass or how I went to an awesome concert at the Hollywood Bowl. But I'm a busy woman with lots to do, so I'll just catch you up on one of the highlights of my three day weekend.
So, when I can, I like to take my scooter up to Neptune's Net in Ventura County, have a drink, maybe a burger, and enjoy the view. It's nice to take a break from the grind of commuting for an actual fun ride. The Net is a particularly good destination, partly because it's on PCH, so the ride is beautiful, but also because there are always a ton of other riders on the road. I love to catch up with a group of Harley's and pretend I'm with them.
For some reason there weren't a lot of riders out last Friday, but that didn't matter, because the rider of all riders was out. Picture it - I'm riding south on PCH, enjoying the ocean breeze and trying to cut between cars, when I hear the lovely roar of fellow riders. I expect the usual gang of tatted, bandana-wearing muscle men, with their leather clad women in back. But instead I see her. Hot Chocolate.
I kid you not, this woman has a hot pink Harley, with the words "Hot Chocolate" and a picture of a steaming mug of cocoa emblazoned on the side and back of her bike. And her helmet. I should also mention that her bike was nice enough that it had a radio (or cd player or something) on it that was blaring "Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol" for all of Malibu to hear. It. was. awesome.
(Is it racist if I mention here that she was black, which was why the name Hot Chocolate is particularly awesome? Or maybe you already assumed? Does that make you racist? Does it make me a bad writer that I can't think of any other word than awesome to describe what I saw?)
She was the leader of the two-person pack. The other woman had a jean jacket with "Harley Davidson" and the HD eagle bedazzled on the back in rhinestones. Her license plate said 1moride. She was like the sparkly Sancho Panza to Hot Chocolate's Don Quixote.*
I followed them for quite some time, hoping that the awesomeness (again, I apologize, but I'm sorry - it was awesome) of owning a hot pink bike or a HD bedazzled jacket would rub off on me, but sadly, I was all too aware that, despite my posturing, I could never be that bad ass.
You were definitely Born to Ride, Hot Chocolate, and I salute you.
* I have never read Don Quixote, so I'm not exactly sure of the comparison I'm making there, but I thought it sounded good.
So, when I can, I like to take my scooter up to Neptune's Net in Ventura County, have a drink, maybe a burger, and enjoy the view. It's nice to take a break from the grind of commuting for an actual fun ride. The Net is a particularly good destination, partly because it's on PCH, so the ride is beautiful, but also because there are always a ton of other riders on the road. I love to catch up with a group of Harley's and pretend I'm with them.
For some reason there weren't a lot of riders out last Friday, but that didn't matter, because the rider of all riders was out. Picture it - I'm riding south on PCH, enjoying the ocean breeze and trying to cut between cars, when I hear the lovely roar of fellow riders. I expect the usual gang of tatted, bandana-wearing muscle men, with their leather clad women in back. But instead I see her. Hot Chocolate.
I kid you not, this woman has a hot pink Harley, with the words "Hot Chocolate" and a picture of a steaming mug of cocoa emblazoned on the side and back of her bike. And her helmet. I should also mention that her bike was nice enough that it had a radio (or cd player or something) on it that was blaring "Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol" for all of Malibu to hear. It. was. awesome.
(Is it racist if I mention here that she was black, which was why the name Hot Chocolate is particularly awesome? Or maybe you already assumed? Does that make you racist? Does it make me a bad writer that I can't think of any other word than awesome to describe what I saw?)
She was the leader of the two-person pack. The other woman had a jean jacket with "Harley Davidson" and the HD eagle bedazzled on the back in rhinestones. Her license plate said 1moride. She was like the sparkly Sancho Panza to Hot Chocolate's Don Quixote.*
I followed them for quite some time, hoping that the awesomeness (again, I apologize, but I'm sorry - it was awesome) of owning a hot pink bike or a HD bedazzled jacket would rub off on me, but sadly, I was all too aware that, despite my posturing, I could never be that bad ass.
You were definitely Born to Ride, Hot Chocolate, and I salute you.
* I have never read Don Quixote, so I'm not exactly sure of the comparison I'm making there, but I thought it sounded good.
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