Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I'm not sure if you knew this, but there is a lot of stuff to do in Los Angeles.

For instance:

California Cougar Convention for Younger Men & Older Women
Crowne Plaza Beverly Hills (Los Angeles, CA)

Cougars from throughout California will compete for the title of Miss Cougar California at the first-ever California Cougar Convention. Lucia, "Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA TV), will deliver the keynote address on "The Cougar Revolution." Plus, enjoy a RapidDating Mixer and a dance party that lasts until 1am.



Lucia is the author of Lucia’s Lessons of Love and a syndicated columnist. She hosts The Art of Love Show on She was voted Miss Urban Cougar in December 2005 by She is the veteran of numerous interviews, including Dr. Phil, The Tyra Banks Show, CBS Early Show, VH1, 60 Minutes Australia, Danny Bonaduce Show, etc.

Prior to Lucia’s Keynote, Renee Piane, “The Pioneer of Rapid Dating,” will help break down barriers with a Rapid Mixer. Ms. Piane has worked with hundreds of thousands of singles over her career.

7pm - Doors open
7:30pm - RapidDating Mixer, with Renee Piane.
8pm - Keynote Address with Cougar Author and Expert LUCIA,
"The Queen of the Cougar Jungle" (KTLA)
9pm-1am - Dance Party, featuring your favorite hits.

Miss Cougar California will be selected by the Cubs at this convention. She will be crowned at approximately 11pm and will win a free berth on the Cougar Cruise (see below), will be featured by In Hollywood
Magazine, and receive a gift package from them, plus other prizes. To be eligible she must be legally single, at least 40 years old, and present at the time of selection.

Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.

Bonus: Love Shack Parties will be giving away goodie bags.

Ok. My brain is about to spatter all over the wall behind me, so imma break this down piece by piece.

*deep breath*

1. Cougar Convention? Um...who goes to this? Not "who's a cougar," because come on - they're around. I even joke about being one someday. No, I mean, like, who signs up for this and spends their money on this, and then plans for it and thinks about what outfits to wear, and tells people they are going, and then holds their head up high as they walk into the Convention center? Also - who are these young men that are doing the same thing? Wouldn't it be easier to just give the cougars a bag of hair gel, cheap aftershave, and chlamydia?

2. Miss Cougar California? This makes me think of the gin soaked American Teen Princess ladies from Drop Dead Gorgeous. "I can look at this glass and see it's half empty...which, in the beauty pageant biz means 'WHERE THE HELL IS MY WAITER?!"

3. Ok, we really have to talk about the picture.

"Yeeeeaaaaaahh boi! Imma pose like a white rapper and these mommies gonna love me!" No they're not. Because I'm going to kill you. Now take that cross necklace off before Jesus starts crying.

You are not a cougar. My guess is you are a starving actor who is hoping that none of your friends see this stupid model job you booked. Well, good for you for making a buck in this economy, but this picture will come back to haunt you.

(If I weren't such an awesome person, I'd post the picture of my friend dressed up like a sheep for a commercial she did. Sadly for you, it turns out I'm a great friend.)

You are on your way to Target.

You, my dear, are in desperate need of some meds. Who told you to stand like that? Come here so I can slap you. Also, you are not a cougar. You are maybe 12.

Where is the nexus of this intersection? Are you sure you're going to the Cougar Convention and not to Lilith Fair?

4. Website:
Events? Plural?

5. Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.
Oh my God. What do Cougars cook? I thought they just ate through the raw meat and bone of their bloody carcasses. Are there European cougars? I thought Europe was supposed to be way classier than us.

6. Co-Sponsored by CougarCooking, Cardeaux Cosmetics Cougar Kit, American Laser Centers, UrbanCougar, TheArtofLove, SinglesTravelCompany, icougardating, RapidDating,
CougarInternational, LASingles Society, and many others.
hahahaha Cougars have mustaches.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Everybody wants to (save) the world.

Some philanthropy magazine based in the UK recently introduced an essay contest. Winners get published in the magazine and get 1,000 British pounds. Being published sounds fun (although, not gonna lie, yours truly IS a published author. I got some poem published in a book in the 4th grade. Yep. Didn't know I was famous, did you?). And getting 1,000 British pounds, which is probably like a million American dollars, would be enough for me to run away to some beautiful island with swim up bars and cabana boys and hammocks. At least for a few days.

So I happily entered.

I highly doubt I will win, as they probably wanted real answers. I mean, I gave them a real answer that I'm serious about, but I'm not sure my writing style will be appreciated. So I'm gonna post it here. I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado:

The Question:
As a philanthropist, how would you spend $10 million to combat global warming?

The Rules:
Would you seek to put pressure on governments? Or to drive changes in public behaviour directly? Or to incentivize markets? Would you focus on challenging unsustainable consumption trends? Or on addressing questions of equity between richer and poorer countries? Would you target your efforts towards particular countries or regions? Or particular industry sectors? Or particular technologies or institutions?

Whatever your plan, your essay must give some indication of how you would judge if you had been successful and in what timeframe you would do this. Bear in mind that the $10 million could be used over any period of time that you see fit. You should also indicate what you see as the main obstacles to the success of your plan.

My Answer:
The only way to combat global warming and reverse our environment’s pendulum swing away from destruction is to change the entire population’s habits and the way we think about our relationship to the planet. This is no small task. People are notoriously difficult to change and a lot of people don’t think about the environment (or much of anything) at all.
But I don’t think it’s hopeless.
There are three ways that we can change things.
1.      Wait until we’re faced with an irreversible environmental catastrophe. As cities are destroyed and our skin burns in acidic rain, we’ll run in the streets, weeping and gnashing our teeth, yelling, “Why? Why did I leave the water running when I brushed my teeth? Why did I buy that ridiculous Hummer? Why didn’t I listen to Al Gore?” And as we’re all shuttled off to Iceland (which would then feel a few degrees hotter than Hades), we’ll sniff back tears and promise to change our wicked ways.
2.      Realize through our current trials and tribulations that the power to make big changes comes from within, and that collectively, we humans -  a mighty and extraordinary species - have the courage, compassion, and intellect to look our bad environmental habits in the eye, overcome our fears and sloth, and get back to the way things used to be.
3.      Make being green lucrative for business owners and cheap for consumers.
Seeing as how the first way is a bit “too little, too late,” and the second is just the plot of the Wizard of Oz, I would direct my efforts toward method number three. Assuming a 2% APY, compounding once annually, I'd tuck the $10 million safely into a savings account and let it grow for 2 years. Sadly, this will only bump me up to roughly $10.4 million, but every little bit helps and I have some important work to do during that time. While my money is growing, I'd need to make some key contacts. See, this particular philanthropic endeavor has to be for-profit in order to work, but it involves some of the same principles used in nonprofit organizations. Namely donor cultivation; convincing potential funders that their investment will benefit a particular constituency – in this case, the global community. I’d befriend young, rich entrepreneurs. I’d sip bourbon with 10-gallon-hat wearing, oil-owning Texans. I’d have hushed conversations with Senators in dimly-lit D.C. bars. (Maybe I'm jaded after 8 years of the Bush administration, or maybe it's because I have no idea how the legal system works, but it seems to me if you want to make any real change, you need to have a politician in your back pocket.) 
Next – putting my plan into action! I’d buy a huge lot of desert land in Nevada and set up a solar power company. My deep-pocketed friends would be share-holders in this company of course, as I would need much more than my $10.4 million dollars to get it going. The selling point would be that the customers would get their energy at a much, much cheaper price, as I’d keep the profit margin very low, but because I’d be the most earth-friendly yet cheap energy company ever, every one would use our power, making the profit loss up in quantity of customers. My customers are happy, my cowboy oil stock holders are happy, the earth is happy.
This is when things would get really expensive though, as power, oil, and coal companies would start working to bury me in lawsuits, trying desperately to keep the market in their favour. Lucky for me I spent all that time in D.C. buying whores for politicians! And extra lucky for me my big shot friends, grateful for including them in my lucrative plan, were willing to contribute to key re-election campaigns…I slide right through this part.
I tell you, once this green ball is rolling, it’s impossible to stop! Now that the solar company is raking in the dough, I’d buy up the buried patents on the cars that run on garbage (Come on – we put a man on the moon, but we haven’t already invented a car that runs well on something other than oil and gas?) from the now-broke oil and gas company owners. Then, once my green companies have control of the power and auto markets, I’ll have enough pull to make stricter laws on pollution, making sure that if companies are going to do the bare minimum in order to keep their bottom line fat, that the bare minimum is set pretty darn high! Meanwhile, other businesses will have to take up greener practices to compete.
I realize that completely toppling decades-old businesses and therefore leaving thousands (maybe millions!) of citizens without jobs would cause public dissent and would be bad for business. Making sure this didn’t become a PR nightmare requires a two-pronged approach. First, I would now hire the coal companies to re-green the mountain tops they have destroyed, the auto companies to help make and distribute my new green cars, and the oil companies to rebuild much of the Middle East. (Did I mention that because our oil consumption has decreased so significantly, we no longer have to continue fighting in Iraq and surrounding countries? How’s that for supporting the troops!). This would give people jobs, and more importantly, green jobs! Second, I’d get liberal, do-gooder celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck to make my company the new black, assuring that Hollywood was on board. In a short amount of time, TV and film propaganda would make sure the American people knew what to think.
Once I had my business model down, I’d take this baby global. It will take a while to turn this polluted ship around and reverse some of the damage we have already done, but I figure I can set up a company, prove its sustainability, and have completely greened the business market in four, five years tops.
The end.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Education is an important issue. And over here at I Like Q Headquarters, I like to do my part to educate. In this instance, I'd like to pass along some helpful tips that I found on the Internets. I haven't tried them, so I guess I'm less educating more than I'm just passing along some random shit that may or may not be true, but what the hell - I was only an education major for one semester in college.

21 Uses for Vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.

12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.

13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.

14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.

15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.

16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix one part vodka and three parts water and spray the clothing, then launder and let dry.

20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Important things to ponder at 12:01 am.

1. What's this new trend of referring to people as @name. Like, on a facebook status, someone will be like "@Rachel - I thought the same thing!" Um, my name is Rachel. Just Rachel. And facebook is not Twitter. I'm assuming that's where it comes from, right? Twitter? I hate Twitter. It's stupid unless you're following a celebrity. But, back to the original point - why add the @ when you're not on Twitter? It makes me feel like a robot. And, it serves no purpose. No purpose at all.

2. So, you know when you're daydreaming about what it would be like to go back in time and the more you start thinking about it, the more you realize you don't know how anything works? Like - how would you make soap, so you could stay clean (unlike all the people from the Dark Ages that never bathed)? Could you rig a system with indoor plumbing? I couldn't. Nor could I make electricity or anything. Well, for some reason, I spend a lot of time thinking about this, and it looks like I'm not the only one, because someone came up with this. If the internet is good for one thing, it's helping you realize that other people waste their time thinking about the same crazy shit as you.

3. Did you ever notice that there was a lot of rapping about Arnold Schwarzenegger in the early 90's? I wonder if those rappers think about how he's just a boring old Republican governor now when they hear those songs.

Not sure what I'm talking about?

Shoop/Salt 'N Pepa - "Got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face"

Jump Around/House of Pain - "Or better yet a terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Try'n to play me out like as if my name was Sega"

Arnold Schwarzenegger/World's Apart - "'Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger is in your dreams each night Where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to kiss and hold you tight"

And I'm sure there's more. Was Arnold, like, way bigger than I remember him being? I mean, I was at the peak of my pop culture knowledge in the 90's and I don't remember him being all that awesome.

4. I wish my name was in rap songs. I was in a rap video once, but no lyrics revolving around @Rachel. I bet you think I'm kidding about the rap video, but it's true. I was totally a video ho for a day and I loved every second of it.

You can see me around the 2:08 mark. And by "see" I mean "know exactly where to look and don't blink."