Yeeeesssss!

It's amazing what sick days can bring about.

Do you remember the days before the internet, where when you saw something, you really had to take it in, because you'd never see it again? Well, despite my youthful looks, I grew up without the internet (or a cell phone, or DVDs, or plasma screens, or...you get the point). So when I saw something I really liked, it was always bitter sweet, because I knew I'd never get the moment back.

And then Al Gore invented the internet.

Now you can relive virtually anything, virtually. (ha! See what I did there? With the English?) Ten seconds after something airs on tv you can find it on YouTube. When YouTube first started I used to search for some hilarious things I had seen, but, it takes time for the global community to upload every inane piece of useless crap, and the stuff I was looking for was particularly inane and useless. And then, you know, I got a social life and a job and years passed and I kind of stopped looking. I was moderately satisfied - having found Daft Punk's "Around the World" video that I had wanted to see again since seeing it on MTV2 back in the day and after finding Phil Collins "Land of Confusion" which I'd been dying to see again since I had this conversation:

Me: Do you remember that video? There were, I dunno, dolls or something? And Ronald Reagan was there? And a gorilla?
Matt: You made that up.

But there were some things I thought were destined to stay a memory.

But then I called in sick to work today and a soap opera star called Mason and I didn't really have anything to do and the planets aligned and I restarted my search and was, like, filled with joy - filled - because I found the crap I've been looking for for 10 years! Some of it's still missing - but I'm determined to renew my search with vigor.

So now I present to you: Stuff I Think Is Hilarious That I Thought I'd Never See Again.

1. The Days of Our Lives episode where Austin is in the Garden of Eden and someone is in a snake suit.

I followed Days randomly during 8th grade and then off and on for a year or two after that. Enough to know who the characters were for a while. I have this memory of being in the dorms freshman year of college and someone was watching Days and they called me in because they couldn't believe how ridiculous it was. I agreed, and laughed until I cried.



I seem to remember some guy floating into the scene in a bubble (like a soap bubble), but I couldn't find that part.

2. The episode of the Tellytubbies where they do the boom boom dance.

I think this episode is where my love of the Tellytubbies truly gelled. I was up early one morning because I had torn all the ligaments in my foot and it made everything uncomfortable so I couldn't sleep. I turned on the Tellytubbies as I oft did at the time (what can I say - I'm mesmorized by them) and I saw this episode...and laughed until I cried.

It starts out like all Tellytubbies episodes do. They run to the top of a hill because a pinwheel told them to and their stomachs light up and one of them shows a short tv clip on their belly. This day it was a group of kids in Africa doing the boom boom dance, as you can see here:



They always show it twice, and then the rest of the episode is usually the quartet doing something similar to what they watched in the video. In this case, the boom boom dance.

Now, the Tellytubbies are funny enough because they are built like babies and they have those huge butts and sweet faces. And when they dance, it's even funnier. But they usually do some sort of weird line dance or La La does ballet or something. But in this case, they must have watched Step Up first, because they are booty dancing. Like a ghetto girl in a club. Seriously - watch La La and Po and see how many times they just turn around and head ass first for the camera:





Po's:



The best one is one I still can't find. I think it was Dipsy (but it could have been Tinky Winky) that does this dance, straight out of 1980's Harlem. He does this dance that's basically full-body vibration. HYS.TERICAL.

Now this last one I almost didn't add, because I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. Or even close. I was looking specifically for:

3. The episode of Passions where Timmy is in the Norma Bates Hotel and there are cat shadows everywhere,

and

4. The episode of Passions (possibly the same episode - I don't think I ever watched Passions more than once) where this girl is in hell in her closet and she's just like waving non-chalantly side-to-side going, "Heeeelp."

What I did find was a clip of the witch Hecuba putting Charity (the aforementioned girl) in hell. Which is funny, yes, but what is funnier is that someone (looks like someone from Russia maybe, based on the captioning) videotaped the clip from their tv that barely has a signal. I'm picturing some guy in Siberia in a room with nothing but a bottle of vodka, a tv, a video camera, and the computer capability to upload stuff to YouTube, who was either bored into mental illness or was mentally ill to start with. I was squinting through the fuzz, trying to visualize the hell in the closet, when I realized how shitty the reception was and was like, "Who recorded this? And then uploaded it? And for God's sake WHY?" I think you'll agree that it's pretty funny:



Ok, correction. This isn't the one with the Russion captioning. That was a different really-fuzzy-recorded-by-holding-a-camera-in-front-of-a-television clip of Passions. It's super ridiculous too, because, like, what the hell is going on here? And why is Jabba the Hut on Passions?



I wish I had more sick days. I'm almost positive I could find clips from Short Circuit or the Monchichis or probably even Flight of the Navigator in its entirety. And maybe, just maybe, I could find that show where there's this koala and a hunter who chases him, but the hunter can never get the koala because the koala disappears into thin air like it's no big thing and just chews on eucalyptus leaves, chillaxin, while the hunter gets all upset.

Fat Tuesday. Sick Wednesday.

Today is my first official day of no sugar for Lent. I did, however, go all of yesterday without any, except for the pancakes I had for dinner. Which may sound like a lot of sugar (what with the syrup and all), but for me, it was a ridiculously small amount of sugar. It made me feel a little off and by the end of the day, made me come to a realization.

I'm going to be a huge bitch for the next 40 days.

I'm reading this book called The Sugar Addicts Total Recovery Program (or something like that) and it talks about how some people are sugar-sensitive and how eating sugar raises our beta-endorphins and how that that makes us feel good. The author mentions that you shouldn't go cold turkey off the hard stuff and that you're mood will most likely change a lot. Maybe I should have prepped for this better.

But, knowing me, I'm sure if I had prepped I would have already given up. As I told a friend recently - It's going to take doing it for the Son of God to get me off sugar.

I should probably never try hard drugs.

I also started the other part of the Lenten package - the taking on of something. In my case - "giving portions to those for whom nothing is prepared." I sent a check to Peterkin, the camp I went to for forever. Not a big bold move so far, but hey - Lent hadn't even started yet. I also should have been sending them money for years now, but they don't have the greatest development department (or one at all), so I haven't been getting any fun direct mailings or eblasts about how I need to donate. I've been meaning to send them money for years, so I guess it was a step to remember to do it.

I'll take it a bit further and post the link so that YOU can donate too! Not that you will, and not that anyone reads this blog, but why not take the next step, right?

http://peterkin.org/pages/pdfs/FriendsofPeterkin.pdf

I'll add that Peterkin is totally amazing, and could use the money (more than almost any other organization I could think of), and camp has really helped shaped the lives of tons of people that I know. And me. So, if you've decided that your Lenten offering is to take on "things that Rachel tells me to do," you can start today with a donation.

oh dear lord.

I sometimes forget that life in LA is never quite normal. I've been here almost 5 years now and I've kind of gotten used to the weirdness, but every once in a while I step back and take an outsiders look at my life and go, "Duuuude!"

We'll start with Saturday. First, I went to meet my small group. One of the members of which was an actor in a major 90's television show. Discuss Jesus with a star? Check.

On to lunch. Which was hamburgers with my good buddies Sean and Nick. Pretty normal, right? Well, if normal means eating burgers at an Asian-run burger stand where the burger lady is, like uber nice (and probably crazy) and knows everyone's names writes you notes on your paper plate and you stand in line in front of a dude that is clearly a chick or a chick who is clearly a dude (I'm not sure which - beard, boobs, and toenail polish - you decide) and then eating said burgers while having a discussion that includes the phrase, "I got a job teaching Lego robotics," and "It was an hour of pantomime! It was genius." and then having a stranger come up to us and ask us if we thought Tom Cruise was faking the whole insane Scientologist thing, then yes, I had a normal lunch. In case you were wondering, the weirdo stranger guy told us that Tom Cruise is taking anti-anxiety medicine on the low. Just in case you were wondering.

Then today. Dear Lord, today. I was in Beverly Hills for church and lunch and was getting in my car to go home when I stopped dead in my tracks. I see a house, with a, um, a statue, like...uh...attached to it? It's of a window (not a real window, mind you, a statue of a window), with RAPUNZEL looking out. How do I know it was Rapunzel? Cuz she's letting down her hair. All the way to the grass below. A big bronze Rapunzel. Let me repeat that. A BRONZE RAPUNZEL.

I immediately sent a pic text to my fried Lori who has a blog devoted to funny and strange things (www.funnystrange.net), to which she responded, "Someone had to commission that, dude."

Dear. Lord.

My camera phone pic wasn't that good, and I really wanted to post it here, so I've done the best that I could with a google map. It's still a little fuzzy, but I think you should be able to make it out:


View Larger Map

If you need to see it in person (and trust me, you do need to see it in person), it's on the corner of Carmelita and Rodeo Drive.

Then I went to a Hollywood Rock Academy show to see one of my C.A.S.T. kids kick some ass on drums. I was a little wary at first. A show full of teen rock bands in my day and area would have been an earful of tone deaf. I went late so I wouldn't have to hear most of them, but I get there and DUDE - these kids - I don't even know what to say. Yeah, there was some tone deafness here and there, but these kids were doing what can only be described as "shredding." Like, I'm talking serious ass-kicking! What are these kids on? Special rock steroids?? All I know is that I went straight home and googled Hollywood Rock Academy and plan on sending a donation there way soon. And I'll probably spend a significant amount of time being sad that I didn't grow up in a big city where I could form a band, get professional help cultivating that band, and then get gigs at world famous venues. (Just a quick side note - After the Reign (www.myspace.com/afterthereignband) will be playing the Roxy on March 27. You should go and support them, especially Christina, the drummer, who kicks ass).

Tonight is another C.A.S.T. kid concert, which this time means a trip into downtown, which is always an adventure. At least it's not some back alley club that smells like urine, which would describe the last concert I went to in downtown LA. I won't even go into the screaming hookers and the men peeing publicly and the guy that caused me to think to myself, "This is it. In about 5 minutes I'm going to know what it feels like to be stabbed, and I will die. This is the last night of my life."

Only in Los Angeles.

What did you do this weekend?

UPDATE: As suspected, the orchestra concert was amazing. Apparently they've found a way to disguise professional musicians as 15 year old Asian kids. Did I mention everyone was Asian? Annette rocks!

I lah you like a fat kid lahs cake.

So I walk into Old Navy the other day and instantly this guy starts telling me about all their sales and deals and how they have some sort of Yoga giveaway. Yoga is alright, I guess. I did Bikram yoga once or twice and I couldn't walk for 2 weeks, so I guess it works, but I'm anti yoga the same way I'm anti sushi and all other stuffwhitepeoplelike/hipster/new age California type stuff. A walk in the woods and a shot of whisky will always cures what ails you, I always say. I'm a mountain girl at heart. I don't like fish unless it's deep fried. I like my salads with ranch.

But I digress.

So, this guy is pushing the yoga giveaway and I'm all, "I don't do yoga," and I pat my belly and say, "Obviously." And then the lady standing at the yoga giveaway center is like, "Oh, are you pregnant?"

"No," I said. "I'm just fat."

Next Wednesday is the first day of Lent. I've never been in the habit of giving things up for Lent, because, well, I just haven't. This year is different, and not just because I want an excuse to stop being an elephant.

I heard a sermon a while back that made me see things in a new light. It was about enjoying life, and seeking joy, and finding strength in the joy of the Lord. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to enjoy life (because my life is pretty frickin' awesome, if I do say so myself), but sometimes, for me, it really is. But ever since this sermon, I've been doing much better on that front and have made some positive changes and have been quite content lately. There was a specific passage that was read that has kind of become my mantra:

Nehemiah 8:10-12 (English Standard Version)

10Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." 11So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved." 12And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them.

I love the idea of living a big life. Going for it. Counting your blessings. Eating and drinking and sharing with others. Since adopting this mantra has brought me so much peace, I thought a good exercise for Lent would be to cut down on the me enjoying part and focusing more on the sending portions to those for which nothing is prepared, which I suspect is the most important part of the passage.

So, here's the deal. I'm not going to eat sweets from next Wednesday till Easter day. This doesn't mean I'm giving up frozen pizza or won't drink juice (which has sugars in it). But it does mean no chocolate. No dessert. Dessert is like air to me. I may not survive the next few weeks. I'll add to this being more conscious of what I eat and doing some exercise. I'm hoping by posting this publicly, I'll stick to it. I have my pride to keep in tact, after all.

But the rest of the deal is that I'm going to find ways to help other people. I already donate to charity and volunteer now and then, but I'm hoping to ramp up my efforts. I'm about to donate a laptop and a bridesmaid dress. I hope to clean out my closet and donate to Goodwill. I also want to find some things that get me out and about. Maybe even things where I need to go outside my comfort zone - a soup kitchen in Skid Row or something. We'll see how it pans out. I'll keep you updated. You keep me honest. Deal?

My hope is that I'll come out of this a little smaller, a little wiser, and having helped some people.

hot or not dot org

Part of the reason I took my current job is because I wanted to get into the nonprofit sector. I knew that would mean learning a bunch of jargon and I knew that holding an administrative position at a company that consults for NPO's (nonprofit organizations) would mean getting the opportunity to be around the terms a lot.

Now that I've been there a while, I feel like I could hold a conversation with an Executive Director or Director of Development and not feel like a complete moron. I also feel like I've heard enough new vocabulary to vomit in my mouth a little every time I hear a term repeated. I hate jargon from every industry (in fact, I really hate the WORD jargon, as well as jargon itself), but when you hear one branch of it over and over...whew. Today I hit the point where I thought it was time to pull out my Hot Words and Not Hot Words list. I've been collecting words for a couple of years now, adding to it here and there, but I really feel the need to publicly display it once again, with some new words added.

Not Hot Words - the Nonprofit Version sees the addition of glean, vet/vetted/vetting, and "packaged asks," among others.

Without further ado, I present to you "Hot Words and Not Hot Words."

HOT WORDS:

irascible loquacious colloquial lugubrious mellifluous obsequious obstreperous petulant profundity propinquity pusillanimous leiderhosen Saskatchewan Abu Dhabi Leichtenstein Azerbaijan mai tai quandary quibble acquiesce quotidian indubitably cupcake ruffian salubrious stygian transubstantiation supercilious tangential teetotaler thwart truculence turpitude ubiquitous umbrage undulate verisimilitude whimsical whippersnapper writ of habeous corpus aberration uvula Midlothian equatorial abjure abscond obtuse abysmal alacrity whilst amongst ambidextrous ameliorate apotheosis onomatopoeia apropos ascertain belligerent bequest bequeath cantankerous balderdash chicanery conciliatory inconsequential conundrum queue tangible cornucopia cryptic curmudgeon debacle denouement diaphanous ecumenical effluvia epicurean equilibrium exuberance heinous fidget fracas hoi polloi jai alai hoodwink idiosyncrasy impecunious holla hella perpetual unbeknownst Pikachu bitch poop wtf goo shiny whatnot fine china Lee Iacocca Chubby Bunny Pumpernickel copacetic Chupacabra Ginko Baloba escatalogical vouchsafe beseech thee thou thy primal circa Wonderland

NOT HOT WORDS:

irk vole stipple tipple vacillation Gurnsey warmonger wean keepsake crockery panty danish Moldova ilk vulva balk yolk bilge earthenware feckless plaque blog journey bling-bling extreme gender lol ought (when said meaning zero - like "Back in ought-five.") fo-shizzle nine-eleven verbage Sportage township caulk Robinsons-May McKeesport Weirton creamery Mingo Junction nosegay puss municipal rural Moyak Currytuck Braintree Government Center Alewife Lechmere glean vet/vetted/vetting packaged asks apples-to-apples comparison synergy cross-pollinate prowess grantmaker think-tank convene jargon sleuthing


Feel free to comment and add your hot or not words.

I believe the children are our future.

I lead a small group of senior high aged kids every other Wednesday. I think there's supposed to be some sort of curriculum or something, but mainly we just eat pizza and laugh. Occasionally people will ask me what we talk about that's so funny and I can never really answer them. Here's a smattering of quotes from the evening. As you will see, it's all over the place, which is why I can never explain to people what we talk about for 2 hours.

"And then we all got churros and cuddled."

"That's good poo."

"Well, like if there was a Care Bear side of the island."

"I'm giving up forest fires and pancakes for Lent."

"I don't stalk. I prey."

There was also talk of tying a kitchen timer to a string in order to pretend to be a rattlesnake.

Maybe they should consider NOT letting me be in charge of children.

I think there's a planet in retrograde or something.

You ever have those days when you're all stressed for no reason and everything pisses you off even when you try really hard to let things slide and you're all, "Why am I such a bitch?" and you can't get an answer and you just want something but don't know what but probably there should be a nap involved?

Yeah, I've been having one of those days.

I'm going to bed now. And while I drift to sleep, I will pet my super furry, super awesome cat. I'm hoping that this will fix everything. Because when you're day has gone relatively well, and someone gets you a sandwich at lunchtime, and you have drinks with friends in the evening, and you're still a bitch, then it's time to just give up and start over.

Goodnight.

An open letter to the Roxy.

Dear Roxy -

Just because Carson Daly and Matthew McConnaughy show up to your venue doesn't mean that you are too cool to treat your potential customers well. All I'm asking is for your ticketing process to not be a clusterf**k. I think this is a reasonable request.

Also, when I order a drink. Don't charge me 50% of what a whole bottle would cost.

And finally, please work on your math. $12 does not equal $13.50.

Thank you.

Don't racially profile my cat, you bastard.

Ok, so I love the internet. I think it's fantastic. I can't imagine life without it, and really don't know how I lived the first 15 years of my life doing everything through the yellow pages. I love that you can learn the answer to almost anything in an instant. I also love that you can speak your mind. Hate God, white people, black people, Scientologists? There are pages for that. Love animals, basket weaving, or sharing your artwork? There are pages for that too. I'm pretty sure free speech is in the Constitution somewhere, and as much as I might not agree with you, I love that you're free to share your opinion.

That said - don't racially profile my cat, you bastard.

A friend of mine (hi Syd!) alerted me to the fact that my baby girl, Miss Mags, made it to the front page of www.icanhascheezburger.com - one of my favourite websites. I don't even care that the grammar is horrible - cats are funny and I'm grateful there is a page dedicated to the funny things they do. At I Can Has Cheezburger, you can upload pictures of your cat, or use photos of other people's cats, and add captions. There are themes that run throughout, like Invisible Fill-In-The-Blank, where the cats look like their doing something like riding a bike or playing frisbee, but the bike or frisbee isn't there. Or there's the walrus and his bucket (bukkit).

And then there's Basement Cat and Ceiling Cat.

Basically God and the Devil. God is usually pictured in the Ceiling (um, duh), but the type or color of cat isn't always the same. Basement cat can be shown anywhere, but Basement Cat is always black. I'm surprised no one has had an issue with this before. I never did, until this:


more animals

A while back I uploaded a picture of my cat to make an LOL (if you are over the age of 30, just remind me and I'll explain all this later) of Miss Mags, because in this picture, she looks like a jalapeno and I wanted to do a side-by-side comparison for www.totallylookslike.com. I always knew there was a chance someone could use her picture to caption, but I didn't think it would happen. And I certainly didn't think they'd use the power of Mags' cuteness for EVIL. But somebody that goes by Aef622 DID use her picture and to him/her I say:

MISS MAGS IS NOT BASEMENT CAT! SHE'S AN ANGEL KITTY!!

Yes, my baby is black. But she is the SWEETEST BEING ON PLANET EARTH. Why do you have to hate, just because of the colour of her fur? Why do you assume she's bad? Why can't we all just get along?

I guess my point here, on this chilly Valentine's Day, is that we should all look past colour. Black doesn't mean bad. In Mags' case - black means the best smelling, softest, cuddliest, best little baby girl on the planet. She brings me more joy than anything. It's 2009. Obama is president. Get with the times. Let's embrace people of all colours and enjoy all the things they have to bring to the table (including hella cute babies. Is it just me or are non-white babies just way cuter than most white babies?).

My other point is - Mess with my girl again Aef622 and I'll rip your intestines out of your body through your mouth. K?

Happy Valentine's Day. May the love of God be with you this day and always.

uphill both ways in the snow...

When I was little my sister and I used to play this game called "Exile." We pretended we were stranded on an island and had to forage for food and cook it. This meant we searched for plants that looked like food (there used to be these ones in Ohio that looked like mini patches of grapes) and we'd build a rotisserie thing out of sticks. This somehow entertained us for hours. Other times, I'd pretend to paint the garage. (I used water).

Obviously we were super fun and had lots of friends.

Kids these days have more to work with to pass the time. I used to use cardboard boxes to build a castle. This guy used computer code to create a game where a cat tries to hit a target with an arrow, but mostly just gets flung about the screen.

The times, they are a-changin'.

Cat With Bow Golf - Flash Game
Sorry, you will need the <a href="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer/" target="_blank">Flash Player</a> to play this game.
Add Games to your own site	More Flash Games!

Can I have a cross with my cheese?

WWJD? Not buy this, that's for sure.

An Ode to the Post Office

Post Office, Post Office
I love you so
even though your service
is hella slow

Your limbs move like molasses
your speech like glue
but to you
I will always be true

Brown paper packages
tied up with string
love letters, gifts
perhaps a diamond ring

All the love
that flows through your doors
is heartening to see -
it makes my spirit soar

So I wait in line
(I'm number 15)
and think of all
the things you've seen

But on second thought
it's probably not much
cuz you never even look me in the eyes
or smile for that matter.
What are you even doing right now?
Whatever it is, it doesn't look important enough for you to be doing while the line is this long.
Don't you take pride in your work? Don't you want to?
Or are you ok with doing sub-par work day in, day out?
Don't you care that all 20 people in line are glaring at you in hatred right now? I mean, that's GOT to eat away at your soul.
Perhaps while you're sitting there, moving at the pace of an 80 year old arthritic woman, you could spend some mental energy trying to find a job you could do that doesn't involve customer service.
I mean, you're probably a decent human being and all, but clearly your strengths lie somewhere else.

I really like your stamps though.

Completely stolen material.

Ok, so my friend Lori Culwell (who has a really funny blog - www.funnystrange.net - that you should TOTALLY check out), just posted this. But I had to steal it, because this may be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's also a chance to see if it's possible for me to embed things here.

As you may or may not know, Bjork is my all time favourite artist. But Kristin Wiig is quickly becoming my favourite comedian. Or comedienne. I don't know why that needs to be a gender specific word.

Anyhoo, on to the good stuff:

Hmmm

Blogs are kind of self-indulgent, huh?

I'm not sure I'll get the hang of this.

25 Little Ways We Can All Make The World A Better Place

1. Do not wear pigtails, unless you are under the age of 6.

2. If you have a small car, don't pull all the way up to the cement stopper thing so that someone coming by thinks there is a spot open when there isn't.

3. Don't litter. I didn't think I'd have to add this one, but I've seen a few people litter recently, so I guess we need a refresher. I thought we had all kind of mutually agreed around 1987 that only really horrible people littered and that we'd never do it again. I guess not everyone got the memo.

4. Women: When you're in a bar or a club and there is a long line for the bathroom, don't check your hair and makeup when you're done peeing. You may feel the sweet relief of being empty, but that line of girls behind you? They're about to piss their pants. Plus, it's a club. It's dark. Everyone is drunk. No one gives a shit what you look like. So, do a girl a solid and hurry up.
Dudes: If you see a long line of girls waiting for the bathroom, let some girls go in ahead of you and offer to watch the door so that no guys will come in. If you're semi-decent looking these girls will probably make out with you later.

5. Don't yell. It's almost never called for and it makes you look like a dick.

6. If you see that someone is real sad, go over to them, make a funny face and yell something random like, "Ernest Borgnine!" and then shake your jazz hands.

7. In fact, work jazz hands into your day more. They're a good reminder that life is silly.

8. Don't complain. It's annoying for everyone involved.

9. If it's going to take longer for you to explain what you want me to do then to just do it yourself, then do it yourself. This also goes for little things that won't take long to explain, but that you can do yourself easily. Otherwise you look like a dick.

10. Listen to what other people are saying to you. With every word, they are saying something about themselves or you. Both are important to pay attention to.

11. When you're not sure whether to shake someone's hand or hug, go for the hug.

12. If you absolutely must send a forward, delete all the unnecessary stuff that comes with them and reformat it so it's pretty. I don't need to see the email addresses of people I don't know and their little comments like, "OMG. So funny!" Chances are it's not totally NOT funny and then we start wondering why we're friends with you in the first place because your friends and your friends' friends and your friends' friends' friends are obviously easily entertained, which probably means they're not all that smart.

13. Be on time. Everyone else's time is every bit as important as yours, so when you're late, it makes you look like a dick.

14. Every once in a while, spend a good chunk of time (I'm talking like 24+ hours) by yourself. Let your mind roam and then crack up when you realize what a crazy freak you are. Because we're all much more freakish than we let on.

15. Make a mix of songs that always make you feel good, no matter when you play them. Added bonus if they all make you want to dance like someone having a seizure.

16. Try really, really hard not to be passive aggressive. It just makes the receiver of this passive-aggressiveness want to incinerate things with the fire of their anger. We need to be sowing the seeds of love, just like Tears for Fears told us to. They also told us to "Kick out the style! Bring back the jam!" which is also super important. I think it's one of the Ten Commandments.

17. Use your turn signals.

18. Be generous. It's actually a lot easier than being stingy.

19. Be patient with crazy people.

20. Don't talk on your cell phone when you are in ear shot of anybody. This goes especially when you are out with a friend or working with any service people (cashier, waitress, etc). Because when you talk on the phone, and everyone can hear your conversation and you're making people wait for you, you look like a dick.

21. Give more compliments. And be gracious when people compliment you.

22. Volunteer.

23. Discipline your children and be sure to set limits for them.

24. Invest in your friends.

25. Recognize that YOU are the ONLY person that is capable of making you happy. No one can do it for you, and most likely, no one will try.

Oh, and don't be a dick.

Stronger

Well, since I haven't really figured out what to do with this blog yet (all blogs have to have a "focus" right?), I decided to fill out one of these things. (These things is the technical term). Other than the fact that this random spattering of songs makes it look like I listen to mostly pop music, I'd say it's pretty accurate.

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.



IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY [I AM]?
Pyramid Song. (Radiohead)
I think this means I have a large ass and a small head. Which is true.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Future Sex/Love Sound. (JT)
Hells yeah, boiiiiii! Sexy mamacita right here baby!

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Ray of Light. (Madonna)
It's true. I always am looking for that ray of light.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
This song doesn't have a name. (Aabcemu) I call it "30 min" because it's 30 minutes long.
Which is EXACTLY how I feel today.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Pills. (Lord T and Eloise)
Well this is just hysterical. And for some points in my life this has been absolutely true.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
My Sharona (The Knack)
Yeah, this one totally doesn't fit.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Cannonball (Breeders)
And by cannonball, I mean round and overbearing. I would not be the least surprised if this is how my friends saw me.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Rise Up (Indigo Girls)
They did raise me.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Paper Planes (MIA)
Yup. Cuz ALL I WANNA DO IS BANG BANG BANG BANG AND TAKE YO MONEY!

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Such Great Heights (Iron and Wine version)
Math is a great height.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Whiskey Bottle (Uncle Tupelo)
Odd. I thought the question was What Do You Think Of Your Best Friend. Not Who Is Your Best Friend. hardy har har.
Actually, my best friend is Miss Mags, but whisky comes in a close second.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Caterpillar Girl (Lou Barlow)
Cuz I'm gon be a butterfly someday.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Frosty the Snowman (Fiona Apple)
Well, being Frosty is certainly more lofty than being Fiona Apple. She's a crazy bitch!

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
They Won't Have Me (Indigo Girls)
HAHAHA. This is SO TRUE. And they won't either. I've tried.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Darker (The Doves)
I think this means I'll be in the dark dancing by myself. Or maybe it means I'll be a Dancer in the Dark, like Bjork, but hopefully without the cruel hanging at the end.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Strange Fruit - Tricky/ToolRemix (Billie Holiday)
I'd make a joke, but I don't want to touch this one.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Headphones (Bjork)
Totally! I love music!

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Cold Beer, Hot Women, and Cool Country Music (The Derailers)
My fear is being at a bar in Texas apparently.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Track 1 from the cd Jon made me
My secret is so secret I don't know the name of it.

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Girls Just Want to Have Fun (Miley Cyrus)
I do just wanna have fun.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
The Goodies Here and There (Lord T and Eloise)
They are goodies!

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Stronger (Britney)

I read all the blogs. Any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.

I wonder what Sarah Palin is doing right now.

You have no power over me

You know you have most excellent music taste when your ipod shuffles from Dolly Parton to a David Bowie song from the Labyrinth.

I really enjoy being me.

There's so much drama in the LBC

Well hey, Long Beach. You've really cornered the market on liquor and donuts, haven't you?