Wednesday, February 11, 2009

25 Little Ways We Can All Make The World A Better Place

1. Do not wear pigtails, unless you are under the age of 6.

2. If you have a small car, don't pull all the way up to the cement stopper thing so that someone coming by thinks there is a spot open when there isn't.

3. Don't litter. I didn't think I'd have to add this one, but I've seen a few people litter recently, so I guess we need a refresher. I thought we had all kind of mutually agreed around 1987 that only really horrible people littered and that we'd never do it again. I guess not everyone got the memo.

4. Women: When you're in a bar or a club and there is a long line for the bathroom, don't check your hair and makeup when you're done peeing. You may feel the sweet relief of being empty, but that line of girls behind you? They're about to piss their pants. Plus, it's a club. It's dark. Everyone is drunk. No one gives a shit what you look like. So, do a girl a solid and hurry up.
Dudes: If you see a long line of girls waiting for the bathroom, let some girls go in ahead of you and offer to watch the door so that no guys will come in. If you're semi-decent looking these girls will probably make out with you later.

5. Don't yell. It's almost never called for and it makes you look like a dick.

6. If you see that someone is real sad, go over to them, make a funny face and yell something random like, "Ernest Borgnine!" and then shake your jazz hands.

7. In fact, work jazz hands into your day more. They're a good reminder that life is silly.

8. Don't complain. It's annoying for everyone involved.

9. If it's going to take longer for you to explain what you want me to do then to just do it yourself, then do it yourself. This also goes for little things that won't take long to explain, but that you can do yourself easily. Otherwise you look like a dick.

10. Listen to what other people are saying to you. With every word, they are saying something about themselves or you. Both are important to pay attention to.

11. When you're not sure whether to shake someone's hand or hug, go for the hug.

12. If you absolutely must send a forward, delete all the unnecessary stuff that comes with them and reformat it so it's pretty. I don't need to see the email addresses of people I don't know and their little comments like, "OMG. So funny!" Chances are it's not totally NOT funny and then we start wondering why we're friends with you in the first place because your friends and your friends' friends and your friends' friends' friends are obviously easily entertained, which probably means they're not all that smart.

13. Be on time. Everyone else's time is every bit as important as yours, so when you're late, it makes you look like a dick.

14. Every once in a while, spend a good chunk of time (I'm talking like 24+ hours) by yourself. Let your mind roam and then crack up when you realize what a crazy freak you are. Because we're all much more freakish than we let on.

15. Make a mix of songs that always make you feel good, no matter when you play them. Added bonus if they all make you want to dance like someone having a seizure.

16. Try really, really hard not to be passive aggressive. It just makes the receiver of this passive-aggressiveness want to incinerate things with the fire of their anger. We need to be sowing the seeds of love, just like Tears for Fears told us to. They also told us to "Kick out the style! Bring back the jam!" which is also super important. I think it's one of the Ten Commandments.

17. Use your turn signals.

18. Be generous. It's actually a lot easier than being stingy.

19. Be patient with crazy people.

20. Don't talk on your cell phone when you are in ear shot of anybody. This goes especially when you are out with a friend or working with any service people (cashier, waitress, etc). Because when you talk on the phone, and everyone can hear your conversation and you're making people wait for you, you look like a dick.

21. Give more compliments. And be gracious when people compliment you.

22. Volunteer.

23. Discipline your children and be sure to set limits for them.

24. Invest in your friends.

25. Recognize that YOU are the ONLY person that is capable of making you happy. No one can do it for you, and most likely, no one will try.

Oh, and don't be a dick.

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